RSS Daily PARENTING

Interview with Melissa at So Sweet Stationery from ?So Sweet Stationery?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

“So Sweet Stationery”

http://www.sosweetstationery.blogspot.com

I blog to share tips, trends, ideas and cool deals that I find online. I also love to blog about my site and share our unique product line of stationery, birth announcements, invitations and gifts.

I love chatting with my visitors through comments. I love meeting new people and hearing what they have to say!

I blog from my computer in my home office. I have not tried blogging from my phone just yet but I might have to try that soon!

I try to read the blogs I follow and post on my own blog several times a week.

Yes my online stationery store. Come check us out at http://www.sosweetstationery.com. Sign up for our newsletter and you can get a free $5.00 Gift Certificate towards your next purchase!

Interview with ELM Dyck from ?Let me think!?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Let me think!”

http://www.synnicity.blogspot.com

I blog for the love of it! I always find myself keeping busy with something. I’m an Artist, an emotional wreck if I must say. I love to express myself and sometimes I need to express myself! Blogging opens new and exciting doors for me all the time, I love to meet new people, read other’s opinions & share ideas!

I’ve always been writing things down for as long as I can remember. The better question to ask would be when did I have the courage to not care what others think? I started my first blog in 2003 and in 2007 I opened up http://www.synnicity.blogspot.com but it wasn’t until recently that I decided I would try and make something of it.

I tend to be all over the place when I write! My posts will vary amung the different categories of my artisttic life. I blog about everything and anything that is on my mind, occassionally throwing in a few goodies to keep the readers interested! Please do check out the Freebie section on my blog!

I don’t read, I hate to say it but I never have and I never will. I couldn’t even tell you the last book I read because well.. I’m a writer not a reader!

Be nice to all your blogging friends and try to make new ones on a regular basis! Answer all emails, comments, and questions. Return visits. Post on forums, discussions and social media sites. It’s a fast world on the internet and you must keep up!

I absolutely LOVE to meet new people. I Always wonder what the weather is doing somewhere else or on the other side of the world! Who eats what, where the good stores are, what clothing is hot right now over in Australia?

Well my mother always reads my posts that’s for sure!

Off topic, yes I do! But not for what you would think. Occassionally I will find myself checking out the freebie Forums.

I blog mostly at home on my computer. I don’t get out much with the raising of my daughter and starting a business it’s difficult to get out!

I’m one of those people who can get into a mood. The only good thing about being in a ‘mood’ is that my imagination is so open that I can literally shock myself sometimes. Living life on a day to day basis, raising my daughter, even relationship problems can trigger an idea!

Yes I have a few. My Official Website http://www.wix.com/ELMDyck/index. Launching in Fall 2010 http://www.digitalscraps.ca. Do you like Digital Scrapbooking? Bookmark us & become a fan of Digital Scraps on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/pages/Calgary-AB/Digital-Scraps/241312985722?ref=ts

I can honestly say that blogging has changed my life for the better! Blogging is a love and a passion. Blogging allows me to combine what I love most in the world together all on one page. I love to hear what people think of my work, I love to share my work and I love to put a smile on a strangers face! Watching the success of my blog gives me purr bliss even though I’m not exactly making a living off of it — I will never stop!

Interview with April from ?The View From 5?5??

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“The View From 5′5″”

http://aprilemery.blogspot.com

I started to blog to help family keep up with me and my family since we live far apart. Over time my desire to blog has morphed into wanting to have an outlet for my thoughts and to share knowledge on living a green, socially minded lifestyle.

I started blogging in 2007 after my second child was born.

organic, natural, green-related issues
my journey as a mother
homemaking related topics

Creative Organizing
Healthy Child, Healthy World
Let’s Explore
Passionate Homemaking
SimpleMom.net (and all the other SimpleMedia sites)
The Inspired Protagonist
Walk Slowly, Live Wildly

Yes. My husband and I live about 500 miles away from family. They love to read my personal and family blog to keep up with us. I am also part of a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group and many of my friends from that group subscribe to my blog as well.

home whenever my kids are sleeping

I am inspired by pracitcal, easy-to-apply ideas for living. I also find people who think outside the box particularly inspiring. Topics that draw me in include eco-friendliness, parenting and child development, social isses and causes and evangelical Christian thought.

I am challenged by others’ blogs I read in that I see way to apply my values in more practical ways to how I mother my children, make purchases, care for my home, etc.

Interview with Chrissy MacCEO from ?Life as a CEO?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Life as a CEO”

http://www.lifeasaceo.com

For my sanity.

November 2008

I like to write about my life as CEO of my household–managing kids and a house, sharing recipes or ways to make others household CEO’s lives easier, funny stories about my kids, and normal parenting concerns.

I have SO many I read on a daily basis. Some are My ITwins, Getting All my Ducks in a Row, Mama’s Losin’ It, Seven Clown Circus, and Theta Mom.

Be yourself. and don’t worry about your numbers! It takes away from why you started blogging in the first place.

Absolutely!

Yes, my parents read it and so do some other family members.

Each day, at least an hour!

Through a friend who is no longer blogging–she was a very witty writer & I wish she’d continue her blog!

So many things. My kids. My husband. My fears.

I soon will {it’s a secret at this point, though!}

I have learned that my voice matters. Sometimes, when you are a stay at home mom, you feel like you aren’t apart of the “real world.” Blogging has made me feel very much present in that real world.

Interview with Ali from ?Small Portion of a Life?s Journey?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Small Portion of a Life’s Journey”

http://hydranjourney.blogspot.com

hydranencephaly, medical interventions, alternative treatments, the brain and it’s functions, miracles, inspiration, parenting special little one

I like to network with my followers, but the easiest for me is through Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AliNichole0619?ref=profile since I have very little time to bounce from place-to-place… or Twitter: http://www.facebook.com/AliNichole0619?ref=profile

As often as possible…but my goal is to post something to the blog every other day, at the least. I’m getting there…slowly!

reading, too many hours to count on some days…writing, not nearly as much as I’d like.

I chronicle my son’s journey at CaringBridge: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/braydenharper

Interview with Brinka Olberding from ?Casting New Lives?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Casting New Lives”

http://castingnewlives.blogspot.com

To get the word out ss to what we do.

About a year ago.

Parenting issues, Christian speakers

Parenting

try to encourage comments on your blog

yes

probably not

mom’s forums and linked in

about weekly, my site, plus twitter moms and sometimes linked in

10 minutes or less

my web designer

Interview with LittleTechGirl from ?LittleTechGirlcom | A Techy Mom?s Nerd Paradise?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“LittleTechGirl.com | A Techy Mom’s Nerd Paradise”

http://littletechgirl.com

I started blogging initially because i loved learning web design and how to build sites, etc. and play with Wordpress. So this lead to using it. I found that I loved blogging about the technical stuff that I was learning at the time. Once I had children, blogging was a natural progression from spending time posting on all the iVillage message boards.

I started blogging I think in around 2002. There were many gabs in between, but I have been blogging fairly steadily since 2007,

Technology, gadgets, software, the iphone, and my 2 sets of twins.

Mashable, Engadget, Moms of Hue, Blissfully Domestic,

Yes, plenty! Don’t worry too much about numbers. Just blog well, and blog often. Post your blog posts on Facebook, Twitter and whatever other social networking sites that you use. Browse the web and comment on others blogs. They will return the favor.

Yes, very much so.

Yes, and even some coworkers.

Not as much as I used to! Not enough time. I do belong to

I usually blog from home in the late evening. I schedule “important” posts to post the next morning, so there is fresh content.

I usually spend a couple of hours a day writing posts, or answering, emails related to people wanting me to do posts or reviews, etc. I admit that sometimes it’s more. It all depends on what I have scheduled for that day otherwise.

I don’t really use those, no. My site is subscribed to most of them, but I don’t use them when looking for a blog.

I do not remember.

No clue.

My children for sure. And I’m inspired by helping others.

My photography business is http://caincreative.biz

I also write for:
Type-A Mom: Family Technology Editor
Examiner.com: Chicago Tech Gear Examiner and National Apple Gear Examiner
Moms of Hue: Contributing Writer

Yes, absolutely. I love the avenues that blogging has opened up. Good stuff and great people!

Interview with ?Mom?s Best Bets?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Mom’s Best Bets”

http://www.momsbestbets.blogspot.com

I enjoy being able to share with others about healthier products and ideas.

I started in July 2009

I write about product reviews, recipes, eco-crafts for kids, healthy ideas and a lot of giveaways!

I like http://www.beachvintage.com, http://www.realmomsrealviews.com
http://www.thetamom.com, and about 20 recipe blogs!!!

Don’t get too frustrated by trying to figure the mechanical stuff out right away. Just blog about what you like and make friends by visiting their blogs. Everyone is so nice and will help you out a long the way.

Yes!

Yes-they all do!

Yes, mom bloggers club, momlogic, classy closet, organic mommy, product review place, and many more

I blog mostly at night in our study.

It really varies. Some weeks I spend a lot of time and others I don’t. My family is most imortant to me.

Sometimes. I have found great blogs through Twitter and Alexa.

My friend introduced me to it when she started her family blog.

The happy hers

*Feeling God’s grace, blessings, and love everyday
*My daughter, husband and family
*Everything Hawaiian

yes, A King’s Kid

It has been a fabulous experience. I have had so many bloggers, family, and friends tell how much they enjoy reading Mom’s Best Bets. The feedback is wonderful!

Interview with Coco from ?Coco?s Blog?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Coco’s Blog”

http://www.vidacoco.com/blog

I blog because I find it rewarding to hear from other women who have similar interests. Also, I am trying to reach Latinas with the information that I blog about. My goal is to have a fully available Spanish blog in the near future.

About a year ago….

Typically, I blog about “green” topics for the home & children, growing up bi-culturally and how to be a bit more organized.

I love these sites:
Ali loves the work women do and she appreciates our struggles of raising children and working. Her blog inspires me to balance my life and take joy in our every day happenings.
http://alilandrylife.com/follow/

Kelly is so creative! I love learning about her latest creations and unique sources of inspirations.
http://www.everkelly.com/

Be true to what you want to say, find your voice, even if it means only a few people follow you, at first.

Yes, yes yes!

Yes. I am working on having my blog available in Spanish, then my mom and spanish speaking relatives can follow my blog!

No, not regularly.

At home, late at night when my 3 young children are sleeping.

3 hours.

No.

From my friends, years back.

Honestly, I don’t remember.

My family, my culture and my quest to live a healthier life.

No.

I have become more comfortable with who I am and I have been encouraged by other blogs to be honest in my thoughts.

Interview with Mimi from ?Woven by Words?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

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“Woven by Words”

http://wovenbywords.blogspot.com

I enjoy sharing my love of Christian reading. Woven by Words is an outlet for me.

I started blogging in February 2008. I didn’t tell anyone about it at first because I had to find my writing voice, which I’m still figuring out.

The Pioneer Woman http://thepioneerwoman.com, Living For God http://bornagainandblessed.blogspot.com/

If you’re new to blogging, trust your instincts, be kind to your commenters, and don’t compare yourself to others.

None of my family reads my blog. They’re not really internet people and don’t have time to get involved in that sort of stuff. It’s so crazy because I do enough for all of us!

I blog whenever the mood strikes me. I try to blog often so that there’s new content for people to read.

I love hearing about how someone’s relationship with the Lord has revealed something in themselves. I also love hearing moms talk about the fun they have with their babies! Personally I am inspired by the things around me: my kids, the beauty of the outdoors, and so much more!

My newly created Marvelous Mom Reviews will hopefully get into full gear by the end of March 2010. I hope my product review followers will follow me to the new blog: http://marvelousmomreviews.com

Using the 4 Ds to find more meaning and purpose in life

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Many people desire more meaning, purpose, and calling in life. Spiritual and religious perspectives help to provide at least some answers to questions of meaning, purpose, and a sense of calling and vocation. Many people find that their spiritual and religious beliefs, traditions, and community help to frame these existential questions and issues in a way that provides direction as well as solace and peace of mind.

My colleague at Santa Clara University, Professor Diane Dreher, and I recently published a chapter in an edited book of mine entitled, "Spirit, Science and Health: How the Spiritual Mind Fuels Physical Wellness (2007, Praeger/Greenwood) that offers a "calling protocol." It uses the principles from the spiritual exercises of St. Ignatius (founder of the Jesuits) to help people develop a better sense of vocation, calling, and purpose in their lives.

The calling protocol highlights the four D's: discovery, detachment, discernment, and direction. Discovery refers to the development of a better understanding of personal strengths or gifts. The positive psychology literature refers to these as "signature strengths." Getting a solid appreciation of one's gifts can then be used to determine how these gifts can best be enlisted to improve one's sense of meaning and purpose. For example, social skills, the ability to counsel others, musical talents, and organization skills are just a few examples of possible gifts or strengths that can be employed to improve quality of life and help find one's calling and vocation. It is important to have a realistic understanding of our gifts to maximize the odds that they can be used effectively.

Detachment refers to working to move away from problematic and sometimes debilitating behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes that prevent someone from understanding and nurturing their gifts. These behaviors and tendencies might include consumerism, greed, workaholism, alcoholism, dysfunctional relationships, low self esteem, fear, anxiety, and a variety of other damaging addictions and behavior patterns that distract us from our vocation and calling as well as prevent us from nurturing our gifts. These behaviors, attitudes, thoughts, and life circumstances are thus roadblocks to nurturing and using the gifts defined during the discovery phase.

Discernment refers to thinking through how we can best live our lives and use our gifts that might lead us to experiences of consolation rather than desolation. Consolation leads to peace, solace, and joy while desolation leads to depression, anxiety, and other damaging feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Thinking about and working through the process of discernment is needed to secure more meaning, purpose, and vocation in life. Discernment helps us to better appreciate how our gifts can be used productively and realistically in a way that gives us comfort and peace.

Direction refers to developing a vocational path to live a more meaningful and purposeful life. Direction is the action plan that emerges when the discernment process is complete. Spiritual direction within many religious traditions have used variations on these four steps to help their clients develop more calling, purpose and meaning in life. These strategies can also be used with people in general to develop a better life path.

Certainly the four D's defined above are not unique. Perhaps what is unique is the integration of a spiritual based mindset, in this example, within the Jesuit and Roman Catholic tradition, to help people find a way to better achieve a sense of calling, vocation, meaning, and purpose in their lives.

Doing the right thing for ourselves might include using the 4 D's to help us achieve more meaning, purpose, calling and vocation in life. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?

The Danger Of Having Unrealistic Expectations

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

My wife and I vividly remember the anesthesiologist's statement: "You may feel a little pressure." She spoke the word gently, as if to imply that's how it would feel, and we believed her. Epidural blocks, she explained, don't numb the sacral nerve roots that deliver sensation from the pelvic floor so my wife would likely feel something as she entered the last stage of labor and our son began passing through her birth canal. But we were both reassured. A mild bit of pressure seemed no threat to our hope of having the same experience my sister-in-law had with her first child: she'd had to be told when to push at the final moments because she couldn't feel anything at all.

My wife's block had incompletely numbed her left side, however. Where my sister-in-law couldn't move either of her legs, my wife could have stood alone on her left one. But, again, we were reassured as the pitocin-induced contractions the monitor told us she was having remained for her a distant, almost imperceptible cramping.

After 36 hours of peaceful—almost boring—labor, though, she began to feel some real discomfort on her left side. Over the following hour it built to the point where we were both starting to feel a little panicked about it. The anesthesiologist was called back into our room. She adjusted the position of the epidural catheter and dialed up the dose as high as she could. My wife's pain continued to worsen, however. "There's nothing else I can do," the anesthesiologist finally said apologetically.

The last five hours of my wife's labor were a nightmare. She was in agony. When she finally wrapped her mind around the idea that this was just how it was going to be, she buckled down and literally talked herself through it. I was utterly traumatized standing at her bedside without leaving once for the entire time, unable to do a single thing to help her.

A DOCTOR'S MISTAKE

Though she was certainly well intentioned, our anesthesiologist made a crucial error: she only described the best possible outcome of the epidural block, not the worst, and in doing so failed to prepare us for what actually happened. As a result, the entire experienced was transformed. Though the physical sensations my wife felt would have been no different had she been better prepared for them, her (and my) experience of them would have been far easier to endure had we been properly warned (even though I'm an internist, I had little knowledge of the detailed workings of epidural blocks). Because neither of us were expecting her to feel the degree of pain she did as a result of the anesthesiologist's statement, we worried something might actually have been wrong, which transformed the pain's significance from inevitable but ultimately joyful into something almost wholly frightening.

I've watched many physicians make this same mistake in other ways, thinking their honest and full description of a test or procedure will create undue alarm or scare their patients off from having it and so stop short of full disclosure. But in my experience, patients are far more upset (as we were) to be caught off guard and unprepared for something unpleasant. When explaining colonoscopies to patients, for example, I always make sure to describe just how unpleasant most people find the preparation. When I send people for nerve conduction studies I tell them outright that they're painful. Interestingly, most later report the pain wasn't as bad as they thought it would be.

You could certainly argue in taking this approach I'm causing my patients more suffering in anticipation of an unpleasant experience, but most tell me they're more grateful for having been warned. In my view, experiences like my wife's and mine are far worse.

DISCONNECTS BETWEEN EXPECTATIONS AND EXPERIENCE

I would argue further that the reason many of my forewarned patients report to me the experience wasn't as bad as they expected was precisely because I warned them it would be bad. Though I've used a medical example here, the impact of any disconnect between our expectations and our experience is felt in almost all contexts. Our expectations of our experiences dramatically color not just how we experience waiting for them but the experiences themselves. Four scenarios exist regarding expectations and experiences. We can have:

Low expectations and a poor experience, where our low expectations can mute the disappointment or even the discomfort we feel at actually having a poor experience.
Low expectations but a good experience, leading to a pleasant surprise.
High expectations and good experience, in which we get to enjoy not only the anticipation of looking forward to something fabulous but an experience that actually lives up to our expectations and therefore feels thoroughly satisfying.
High expectations but a poor experience, in which we often emerge bitterly disappointed or even traumatized.

THE BEST STRATEGY

The "gain" at which we set our expectations tends to be more a matter of habit and disposition than conscious intention for most of us. Some of us expect little, perhaps as a way to defend against disappointment, accepting the cost of a muted or absent anticipatory sense of joy. Others of us can't help having high expectations, basking consistently in the glow of anticipation but often paying a different price: the painful disappointment that comes when experiences fail to live up to those high expectations. Even worse, sometimes having unrealistically high expectations prevent us from being able to enjoy our experiences at all.

I honestly don't think one strategy is better than another but rather that different strategies are better suited for different types of people. If you observe yourself to be continually disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may do better by consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Likewise, if your expectations remain so consistently low you never think things will work out for you, you may find yourself plagued by a gloomy pessimism that blocks you from savoring a truly enjoyable part of life—the anticipation of good things—and you might work on allowing yourself to expect just a little more.

Though we all may have a built-in set point at which we unconsciously tend to set our expectations, that doesn't prevent us from consciously grabbing the reins and adjusting them up or down to suit our needs. Certainly it would be ideal if our expectations always perfectly matched our experiences, but as the quality of many experiences is hard to predict, we might do better to adjust our expectation of how much we think we'll enjoy or dislike an experience based more on how we know those expectations will affect us than on how accurate we may think they'll turn out to be.

My own personal preference is to know up front as much as I can about both good and bad experiences coming my way. For me—and, I've observed, for many others—not knowing what's coming when anticipating something bad creates even more anxiety than having full knowledge of how bad what's coming will be. Knowing the limits of the "badness" I'll be facing enables me to focus on preparing for it rather than on managing my imagination's tendency to inflate it beyond all rational proportion. For me at least, the devil I don't know is far worse than the devil I do.

Though soon after the anesthesiologist left our room for the last time my wife and I had both become resigned to having a different experience than we'd expected, after our son was born (perfectly healthy) we received another surprise: my wife's left-sided pain actually became worse, located now not low in her pelvis where her uterus was appropriately contracting down to staunch any bleeding, but rather high up in the left upper quadrant of her abdomen where it had absolutely no business being. When I glanced worriedly at our obstetrician she only shrugged in confusion. The anesthesiologist was called back in one last time, gave my wife a narcotic, and the pain finally faded away, never to return. To this day, however, my wife regards the last five hours of her labor as one of the worst experiences of her life. The only thing that saved the day was that it was followed immediately by one of the best.

If you enjoyed this post, please feel free to explore Dr. Lickerman's home page, Happiness in this World.

Dogs and Marriage in India

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

There is no doubt that people all over the world love their dogs, however various cultures have developed some interesting obsessions and customs pertaining to their pets. The current situation in India was explained to me by a social scientist who was visiting my university. Farha Singh knew about my work with dogs and we managed to find some time to speak and during a reception held at the home of a faculty member. As we sat there, she dug through a small purse and produced some pictures of her dog. He was a handsome Dalmatian named Lalit, which turned out to be an appropriate name since she later told me that the translation of Lalit actually means "handsome."

"Unfortunately he is a problem for me right now because I am having trouble trying to find a bride for him," she told me.

Her use of the word "bride" when talking about her dog was unexpected and seemed a bit strange to me, however it turned out to be quite deliberate, as became clearer when she explained to me, "I have been looking for a mate for him for nearly a year, with no success. Perhaps it comes from my religious beliefs, but it seems very important to me that he should get married so that he can complete a whole life cycle. Some scientifically minded people that I know strongly believe that dogs must be mated or it may have bad psychological consequences for them. Other people insist that he must be married to prevent bad karma that might affect its spiritual life and existence now and later."

Farha's ownership of a purebred dog is part of a trend going on in India today. Apparently pedigreed dogs have now become an important status symbol among India's middle class, with Labrador Retrievers, Pugs, Poodles, Cocker Spaniels and Dalmatians being the most desirable breeds. Poodles have a special status since a single haircut by a dog groomer can cost more than the wages that a lower class Indian earns in a month, thus making the cost of the prestige conveyed by that breed quite high.

However, owning an expensive purebred dog involves more than simply using it as a status symbol. As happens around the world the dog becomes a member of the family and therefore becomes a target for all of the family's cultural beliefs and practices. Given the importance of marriage in the Indian culture, it thus becomes important that the family dog should be wed to another of its own breed. Nonetheless, since her Dalmatian was among the sought after breeds in India I found it hard to understand her why it was so difficult to find him a mate. Farha looked at me and sighed.

"It is because of the mentality of my people. Everyone wants a male dog. After all the dog is like family, like a child, and as in human families in my country, it is still the case that male children are more prized. If you ask many of the dog owners I know in Delhi they will tell you that they prefer a male dog because females are messier-they are talking about their menstrual periods. They may also tell you that female dogs are more difficult to keep because you must always shield them from having an affair with a stray dog with no pedigree, which might result in mongrel puppies which are of little value. They view this much like the way parents have to shield a daughter from casual affairs that might shame the family. But, regardless of what they say, it really has to do with the fact that males have higher status and value in our culture. Even for me, when I got Lalit I insisted on a male dog. I wasn't really thinking about why I was doing so, it just seemed proper that my dog should be male

"Now, because of the difficulty of finding marriage partners, female dogs are rising in value. But we still have to do extra things if we want our dogs to marry-to have a family-or at least bond to a mate as fate requires. Just like in the case of people who have similar problems, we now seem to have need for matchmakers for our dogs. For example, there is now a website which was started in Delhi, which offers matchmaking services for dogs. It is very popular and many dogs are listed there, however very few are females."

She laughed and continued, "Last year there was even something like what you call a speed dating event here in North America. They advertised it as a sort of mass dog marriage, but it was really an attempt to find mates for dogs. It was held in a shopping plaza in Delhi, and I went to it with Lalit. There were a lot of dogs there. Some of them dressed very nicely with vests and coats and hats and fancy collars. The newspaper said that there were 500 dogs there but it was hard to know with all the milling around and confusion. There certainly were a lot of dogs of different breeds. Unfortunately I could not find an available female Dalmatian for Lalit, but someone that I know from my work brought his Saint Bernard dog, Tushar, to the event, and actually found a bride for him. A month or two later they got together and had a wonderful wedding ceremony. My friend invited 40 or 50 people and their dogs. They even found a priest who was willing to perform the marriage ceremony. There was music, dancing and lots of food. Perhaps later there will be Saint Bernard puppies.

"Sadly my Lalit is still a virgin, but there is still time-he is only three years old. My husband suggests that perhaps we can solve the problem by buying a female Dalmatian puppy and raising it to become Lalit's bride when she becomes an adult. This is probably a good idea and it would solve the problem. Still it feels wrong to me. Since the puppy would be growing up in our home with Lalit, she would, in effect, be like a sister to him. Somehow having them marry after that kind of upbringing, seems to me something like promoting incest among your children. The culture that we grow up in really does plant strange thoughts and practices in our heads-even about the love life of our dogs."

Indeed!

Stanley Coren is the author of many books including: The Modern Dog, Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses? The Pawprints of History, How Dogs Think, How To Speak Dog, Why We Love the Dogs We Do, What Do Dogs Know? The Intelligence of Dogs, Why Does My Dog Act That Way? Understanding Dogs for Dummies, Sleep Thieves, The Left-hander Syndrome

Copyright SC Psychological Enterprises Ltd. May not be reprinted or reposted without permission.

Healing Isnt Always Pretty

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Children who grew up as the unchallenged favorite child often struggle, as adults, with issues of intimacy. They continue to look for the person who will love them as much as their parent did - an impossible task. Their personalities, influenced by their favored child status, can undermine their abilities to successfully mitigate their void. In their attempts to fill this emptiness, they are vulnerable to looking to extracurricular sex partners and give little consideration to the consequences of their actions. They grow up not understanding that rules apply to them and give little thought to the feelings of others.

Tiger Wood's recently publicized sexual exploits mirror that of many men, some famous and some not, who grew up as a favorite child. Having read The Favorite Child, a woman who had been divorced for three years recently communicated with me to express her relief in realizing that her "ex" would never understand the break up of their marriage. He had been his mother's favorite son and believed he could do what he wished without consequences; this man was not motivated to understand that there were consequences to his having had affairs.

Last week Woods offered his first public statement since his sexual exploits became public. Since then, journalists and commentators have been debating the sincerity of his comments, wondering if he wrote his own statement, questioning if he was adequately contrite, speculating if his marriage will last. These conjectures overlook more basic issues: Is he motivated to change and what does healing entails?

Acknowledging Truth
Personality characteristics cannot be altered unless the person in trouble is motivated to change. Usually this originates from an external event that shakes up the world of the favorite child. Some favorite children respond to the crisis by blaming the event on others and continue not to take responsibility for their actions. Others are sufficiently threatened that they begin the long, painful process of looking inward. The first step of this journey is to put language to what is true. As with material possessions such as homes that we can't sell without a title, we can't "give up" or modify personal traits unless we first own those traits that got us into trouble. In his statement, Woods listed his transgressions. Listing them once or twice, publically or privately, is that evidence that he owns his shortcomings? Probably not. But, his public declaration is a necessary beginning. Unless Woods verbally and publically gives language to his shortcomings, real change is impossible.

Getting Real
What is wrong with having affairs? Maybe nothing if it is agreed upon by both the husband and wife, but in most relationships this consensus does not exist. Jenny Sanford, in her book describing the break-up of her marriage, writes about her jealousy, that her husband Mark didn't have time for her but had time for his lover and her humiliation, that her husband told her one thing and did another. Jenny also references her husband's hypocrisy, that as parents they were teaching their sons about loyalty and commitment while Mark was behaving differently. For Mark Sanford to heal, he would have to be as real as his wife and grasp the impact of his behavior on those around him.
In Elin Wood's silence, we know less about her truths. We do know from Tiger's comments at his press conference that he acknowleges that he hurt people close to him, the most obvious being his wife. In berating the press for making her life and that of his children uncomfortable, he overlooks the basic fact that it was HIS behavior that caused discomfort for his family: if he had not behaved the way that he did, the press would not be hounding his loved ones.
To heal, Tiger Woods must be willing to challenge the fundamental attitude that he is entitled to whatever he wants and that there are no consequences for his actions. In my book, The Favorite Child, I describe the experience of growing up as the favorite child: that these children expect to get what they want without consequences because they fill a void for their important parent or make those parents feel good about themselves.
Woods, like other favorite children, was so self-absorbed that he probably had little awareness of what was required to please Elin in fundamental ways. The strength of Wood's recovery will be influenced by his willingness to challenge an attitude fundamental to his character: that his success, which may have bought him privilege in his relationship with his father, does not buy him entitlement in his marriage.

The Issues
Tiger Woods reiterated in his press conference that he was responsible for his actions, for his decision to have sex with women outside his marriage. While this truth and the repercussions of his behavior deserve thoughtfulness, the issues of healing are more profound. If Tiger Woods wants to change, he will have to grapple with the issues more basic to his character - intimacy and arrogance.
Can anyone ever love him as much as his father did? Probably not. And so he looks to admiring fans in a futile effort to fill this void. As long as he craves this love, his wife can never satisfy him. To change, Woods will have to tolerate the discomfort of not being adored the way his father adored him.
His "can do" attitude is double-edged. On the golf course, his performance mirrors his confidence. There are no limits to what he believes he can achieve, and often he does. What a gift to possess this winning attitude. Yet, off the golf course, it is this attitude that limits his ability to set appropriate boundaries for himself, making it hard for him to judge realistically right and wrong, to anticipate potential consequences of his actions.

The Outcome
The speculation regarding whether Woods' marriage will last, his return to golf, and the status of his endorsements focus on gossip, not his ultimate healing. His long- term mental health is more dependent on his ability to make conscious choices for which he assumes responsibility. He must learn to trust that those skills required for success are his and being loved in his adult world is not conditioned on his achievements. He has to accept that even if he isn't the favorite child, adored more than anyone else, that his life can be satisfying. Only then will he be better able to do achieve those goals he set out in his press conference: to be a better husband and father who is responsible for his actions.

Mach the Knife

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Get your swing ding-a-ling on . . .

. . . Machiavelli adheres forever with persuasion as both description and prescription. To persuade is to be like Mach and to persuade well is to make Machiavelli proud. Machs exhibit no ideological commitments, possess a cynical take on human nature, follow a heartless calculation toward other people, and display a marked disregard for conventional morality. "Git 'er done, baby" could be the popular homespun saying, properly twisted.

Academic studies of Machiavellianism paint a dark and dangerous portrait. Those infected with Mach qualities find themselves classified as pathological and can read detailed descriptions of themselves in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, the bible of deviance for clinicians and insurance companies. And, those who elude capture, but range free in the world like Hannibal Lector between incarcerations, can find themselves quantified in journal reports with Normal Machs who reveal their dark side in Prisoner's Dilemmas, the Ten Dollar Game, and blasts of white noise.

Of course, it also helps when you invent a Machiavelli that does not exist. If you read the original Mach IV scale that measures the contemporary meaning of Machiavellianism then compare it to to what Machiavelli wrote, you wonder whether the scale authors were academics or poets. The Prince is much more subtle than hammers on the thumb like,

"One should take action only when sure it is morally right,"

"Most people are basically good and kind,"

"Honesty is the best policy in all cases,"

"There is no excuse for lying to someone else."

Certainly anyone who scores High Bad on statements like this is someone to examine carefully for either poison or a bad sense of humor. They might even be crazy. But, persuasive? Manipulative, even?

And while it is good to despise pathology - but, isn't that a tautology - it is free riding to savage those who save the city from predators. Machiavelli should not be acknowledged as a bastard, but our bastard, but as a deep thinker on the means of survival, success, and succor for all, including those who would carp, criticize, and cavil all the way to a death camp.

Consider from the Dark Source itself, The Prince, with Machiavelli describing the case of the notorious tyrant, Agathocles:

Yet it cannot be called talent to slay fellow-citizens, to deceive friends, to be without faith, without mercy, without religion; such methods may gain empire, but not glory. . . Nevertheless, his barbarous cruelty and inhumanity with infinite wickednesses do not permit him to be celebrated among the most excellent men. What he achieved cannot be attributed either to fortune or to genius.

And, now, a different source, but still Machiavelli's thought:

"All cities that ever, at any time, have been ruled by an absolute prince, by aristocrats, or by the people, have had for their protection force combined with prudence, because the latter is not enough alone, and the first either does not produce things, or when they are produced, does not maintain them. Force and prudence, then, are the might of all the governments that ever have been or will be in the world."

from "Words to be Spoken on the Law for Appropriating Money", in Chief Works and Others [of Machiavelli], trans. Allan H. Gilbert, 3 vols. (Durham, NC: Duke Univ. Press, 1965), v. III, 1439.

Prudence operationalizes itself through power and persuasion. This is pathology? This is dangerous? Even Jesus admonished the Disciples to spread the Gospel, but wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove . . .

. . . or blues out with Mr. Armstrong . . .

Beware the Golden Carrot at Work

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

For the past two decades, Kathi Elster and I have had the privilege of helping thousands of individuals design and pursue fulfilling careers. Seeking your true career path isn't easy. It requires rigorous honesty and a willingness to discover the kind of work that is most meaningful to you. Once you've identified what you really want to do, then you have to commit to going after it.

As our clients take those initial steps towards getting that ideal job, launching a promising business, or following a new career path, a certain phenomenon called The Golden Carrot Syndrome seems to occur. This is when the universe presents you with a very attractive, less risky alternative that looks extremely appealing from the distance.

The "carrot" could be a well-deserved promotion in a job that you've outgrown within a company you don't like, or a new position in a prestigious firm just as you're trying to leave that industry. It could be a seemingly perfect business partner, or an ostensibly benevolent investor.

These carrots are golden because they're shiny and alluring. Golden Carrots usually offer financial rewards and security. They allow us to forestall the tougher, more risky moves that we think would make us happy, but we don't have a guarantee. The only problem with Golden Carrots is the fact they're ultimately extremely disappointing.

As the image depicts, the carrot looks good from afar, but once you obtain the glittering object, you can't bite down on it without breaking your teeth. So, the promotion gives you more money, but you're still trapped in a company and a job that you hate. Or, you're working for a prestigious firm, but you feel no passion for the industry you're in. Or, you take on a business partner only to realize he/she doesn't share your values or work ethic.

Golden Carrots are tricky, but you can detect them if you try:

1) If an offer sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

2) Make sure you aren't reaching for the carrot to avoid the discomfort of pursuing what you really care about.

3) No matter what the offer, do your homework. Take the time to carefully scrutinize the job or the employer, the industry, or the business partner before you take the offer.

You dont have to be popular

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Since I've been back in school, I have been thrust back into somewhat of a high school environment, rife with cliques--popular kids, freaks, jocks, and the smelly fat kids.

It's eerie, because I don't remember it being like this during undergrad. Perhaps, because our graduate class is so small--around 60 students--and we have all our classes with only each other, the dynamic is much more socially incestuous.

Like high school, I don't know where I fit in this group. While everyone interacts during class-- finding common ground and easy conversation-- after class, it's a whole different story. We become strangers outside of the classroom and introduce ourselves all over again the following week, even though I KNOW YOU WERE ON YOUR PERIOD LAST WEEK AND HAVE A MALTESE NAMED FLUFFY! Don't pretend you don't know me.

Adolescence was a difficult time for me, as it is for most of us: too many AP tests, the dreaded SATs and constantly wondering where you fit in the school's social totem pole. I'm pretty sure I wasn't a member of the popular group. Still, all of my best friends were prom queens, homecoming court, and student government officers. Usually on television, the popular kids "know" they are the popular kids. That was so not me.

Me? I co-founded my high school's short-lived poetry club with a membership of five at our peak. That's not to say I was a total nerd. I was a flag leader (NOT a cheerleader), hung out under the "cool tree" during lunch, and ditched class daily to get sandwiches from the deli down the street. I was never alone either: the cutest boys invited me to dances and I had at least three chat boxes open on AIM at any given time.

Still, I never considered myself one of the "cool" kids, until an old friend of mine told me a few years ago that I was, indeed, a member of the popular elite.

But did popular kids lock themselves in their bedrooms rooms playing beautiful yet depressing Mazzy Star on repeat for hours and contemplating suicide semi-regularly? This was the late ‘90s, an era of sarcasm, gothic chic, and Dawson's Creek. My life was intensely melodramatic, and I took everything (a rejection, a bad grade, a suspect taco salad) personally.

It turns out popularity, like beauty, is in the mind of the beholder.

A recent study suggests that one can reap the rewards of popularity without actually being popular.

Researchers at the University of Virginia studied 164 teenagers, at ages 13 and 14 as well as their same-sex close friends. They found that teens "who felt good about their own social standing did well over time, regardless of how popular they were (popularity was gauged based on assessments by peers at school)."

"These teenagers were increasingly less hostile and more frequently sought out by their peers. Teenagers who were considered popular by their peers also did well, regardless of their own perceptions of their social standing."

Finally, an explanation as to why Blane McDonough was so interested in poor Andie Walsh and her freakish pink prom dress in Pretty in Pink. She simply liked herself!

Who fares the worst in this study?

"Adolescents who lacked both a strong sense of their own social acceptance and who were rated by their peers as unpopular fared the worst, according to the study. They were increasingly more hostile, less sought out, and more withdrawn over time."

Researcher Kathleen Boykin McElhaney writes,

"During adolescence, teens' perceptions of their own social success may be a crucial predictor of long-term social functioning, such that even teens who are not broadly popular may demonstrate positive adjustment over time if they maintain a positive internal sense of their social acceptance."

There were a lot of things that I didn't like about myself in high school--and still quite a few today, but I was always happy to be me, for the most part.

In other words, I never found anyone that I wanted to actually trade places with. I like my quirks and oddball behavior which inevitably cause people to tell me, "You're so weird" during our first encounter. It's charm or something.

Sure, the poetry club was barely a blip on the school's social radar, but for the 3-5 of us who met for those few months after school in Ms. Santamaria's classroom, we thought it was pretty cool.

A decade later and still, popularity is an issue. Is this arrested development or an innate human condition? Probably the latter, but this time around, it's only a year program, and seriously--can you really be that "cool" if you're in grad school?

Society for Research in Child Development (2008, May 15). Teens' Perception That They Are Liked Found To Be At Least As Important As Actually Being Liked. ScienceDaily. Retrieved February 28, 2010, from http://www.sciencedaily.com¬ /releases/2008/05/080515073014.htm

Keep the Friendship or Try for Romance? Conclusion

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

He asked, expressionless, "You staying or going?"

Once said, the texture of the air changed, a shift in the cogs of our
working together, something unlocking and then quickly relocking in
ourselves. I reached over to put my hand on his and he covered it with
both his hands, raised it to his warm mouth and kissed me, on the inside
of my palm, briefly. There was no better time to go.

I knew, and he knew, I couldn't have been his girlfriend, couldn't have
been softly sweet or constantly agreeable any more than I could have
made little quilted pillows or hit a brilliant backhand; I could not do
these things.

My past was too filled with the tensions of choice to let
myself be thinned, like paint, in order to be applied more easily to
him. He couldn't have given up skiing and hockey, wouldn't have wanted
to compete all day at school and come home only to continue the battle,
exhilarating as it was.

Were we linked by destiny or by circumstance? We had the college in
common, but we were afraid to find out if there was more.

The friendship had to be more enduring, we figured, than any other version of
ourselves.

But I wonder now whether that was true.

The friendship buckled, finally, under marriages and kids and distance
and these grown-up lives of ours; I don't know where he lives or what he thinks about.

And yet there was something put away during that night trip up north, something in self-storage, kept from the wear-and-tear of everyday life, still keeping the edges of it sharp and clear.

We Needs Must Love the Highest When We See It

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

"We needs must love the highest when we see it."
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

* I was intrigued by this blog, Birth of a Playwright, by a writer chronicling her attempt to write her first full-length play in 266 days (typical length of human gestation). A happiness project! She touches on many familiar happiness challenges, like "If I love my work, why do I sometimes find it hard to work instead of watch TV?" "How do you 'follow your gut,' as so often advised, if your gut gives conflicting advice?" "How do you handle it when you create something you're very proud of, and others poke holes in it?" etc.

* In a book group? If you'd like a copy of the reading-group discussion guide for The Happiness Project, just email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. (Sorry to write in that odd way; trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “reading group guide” in the subject line. I’ll send it right off.

Why SelfRegulation by Police Environmentalists and Any Other Group Never Works

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

New York state police leaned on the girlfriend of New York Governor David Paterson's key aide, whom the aide was accused of choking, to get her to drop charges against the man. The aide, David Johnson, turned particularly to the head of Paterson's personal state police detail, Major Charles Day - whom Robinson worked with daily - to contact the woman. The woman complained in court that the state police were harassing her - and she did drop the case.

The governor, after the New York Times revealed these events, suspended Johnson, but not Maj. Day, nor the superintendent of the state police, Harry Corbitt, who backed his officers. Denise O'Donnell, assistant director of the state's public safety division, resigned in protest, saying Corbitt had misled her. But no one in the Paterson administration seemed to care.

Peterson immediately called for an investigation by the New York attorney general, Andrew Cuomo, and by superintendent Corbitt! (whom Cuomo told to forget it). But Cuomo had just completed a detailed report saying that for more than a decade governors of both parties had used the police for their own political purposes - and Corbitt - whom Paterson selected for the job - had sworn to halt the practice. I know - let's get him to swear to do so again!

Of course he wouldn't - he couldn't. In the first place, the superintendent serves at Paterson's discretion - so how was he going to cross his boss's closest aide? But, more important, Day knew and worked with Johnson, so he'd always cover for him.

That's the way the police always act. It's not only the way of the thin blue line (the police), it's human nature. Just consider a few phrases: look out for your own, blood is thicker than water, birds of a feather stick together, band of brothers, don't bite the hand that feeds you, you rub my back I'll rub yours. . . . and on and on. People in cooperative groups always work together against outsiders. We call it loyalty, solidarity, collegiality, brother (or sister) hood - and we prize it highly.

(Did you happen to notice that, after New Orleans police shot and killed several unarmed people during hurricane Katrina, all seven cops on that detail worked as a group to cover up the crime?)

This isn't just police. When e-mails revealed that environmentalists worked together to attack, smear, and discount the views of opponents, people were shocked. These were scientists, after all!

Of course, you would do the same. Don't deny it. If your life, friends, and work were tied up in a point of view, a position, an action, you'd do everything in your power to protect your colleagues and cohorts who shared these things. You'd act as though your life depended on it - because it does. Your psychological life.

So here's a psychological truism for Cuomo, the governor, and all of his successors to chew on: admonitions for police, or anybody else, to stand up and do the right thing, and to alienate their own, never work. You better have a superior plan B.

P.S. Read this post and you'll know why Nancy Pelosi refuses to censure Charles Rangel for his host of ethical-financial violations in Congress.

Help Kids Visualize Victory Like Olympic Athletes Do 9 Tools to Achieve Sports Success

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

How would you like to help your child feel as successful as an Olympic athlete? Your child’s love of a sport can motivate him to learn the same positive visualization techniques that Olympic athletes have used for decades.

Sometimes however, anxiety can stop kids from enjoying activities they used to adore. Desire to succeed can also create unrealistic expectations and negative attitudes—I'll never be perfect, or I'm afraid I'll let my teammates down. Olympic athletes provide a good role model for kids to emulate, because they've learned to handle the pressure and still have fun.

If you want to support your child to reach for the gold yet celebrate the bonze—or if your once happy child that used to love skating or basketball has been replaced by one who no longer wants to participate—here are 9 imagination tools that can help.

DEAL WITH DOUBT...

(1) Find fear—summon confidence.

After your child takes a few deep breaths from his belly, ask him to picture any fear that creates hesitancy to play his sport, but also concentrate on the feeling that could help him the most… Confidence. Describe each one. What does it look like? What color is it? Where does it live in his body? Which one—Fear or Confidence—is larger or stronger? Rank each on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is nonexistent and 10 is the biggest.

(2) Build confidence—let fear fade.

Ask her to imagine filling her whole body with Confidence through her intention and her breath. Notice what happens to Fear. It likely fades or shrinks. She can also enclose Fear inside a bubble that gets smaller and smaller. Or take Confidence and stretch it in all directions so it grows. Then have her rank each again on the 0-10 scale again and see the difference.

(3) Let go of the rest.

If there’s any Fear left, a simple dialogue can actually help Confidence grow. Have your child invite Fear and Confidence for a chat. Ask Fear what it is afraid of, or what it wants Confidence to do, or what it needs from Confidence. You can lead in with a specific scenario, such as: When you're in try-outs…" or "When the ball is pitched to you…" or "When your coach yells at you…"

(4) Summon an animal guide.

An imaginary Animal Friend can give him strength, make him faster or more fearless, or help him be more accurate and precise in his movements. Have him take belly breaths, close his eyes, and imagine a calm place, such as a forest or meadow. Invite an Animal into the scene and have him describe it. Ask how it wants to help him be more successful in his sport. Once he has an Animal Guide, he can summon it anytime—before a competition, before try-outs, or even during a game.

READY FOR SUCCESS...

(5) Act out a slow-motion picture.

Have your child close her eyes and tell you, frame by frame, each part of the action she wants to accomplish—say, a skating twirl. Keep slowing down her movie—drawing attention to small details, such as the feel of the air in the ice rink, the sound of the blade, and swishing of her ponytail. The longer you can draw it out, the more vivid the entire action becomes. Her body can "learn" great mechanics just by imagining them.

(6) Be a spectator.

Tell your child to imagine he is sitting on the bleachers, watching himself go up to bat. Now have him describe how he looks, smiling at the team and nodding to the coach, getting into a great stance, focusing on the ball, and smashing it into the outfield. Tell him to run all around the bases. Such a grand start-to-finish act imprints on his mind as success.

(7) Engage all the senses.

Ask your child to visualize her accomplishment using as many senses as she can. Let's say she's sinking a foul shot. What does the leathery basketball feel like? What sounds does she hear? What's the taste in her mouth? Are there distinctive smells in the gym? What is she seeing all around her? Involving the senses is a great way to make the sports action come to life. Her body will remember exactly what it feels like to sink that ball next time she's at the free-throw line.

(8) Jump to success.

After your child has practiced different ways of visualizing, don't forget to have him see success while he's doing the activity. When he goes up to bat, remind him to see himself smacking that ball. Just before she goes out on the ice, have her see herself doing the spin effortlessly. All great athletes have learned how to visualize in the moment—the puck going into the goal, or nailing the landing on a big ski jump—and this kind of visualization is one secret of their success.

(9) Use positive language.

In visualization, perspective doesn't matter—he can feel himself inside the experience or watch it like a movie. But language does matter. Help him use affirmations in his performance images. The creative brain can't register negative instructions, such as "Don't miss that ball." Change the statement into, "I can hit that ball!"

Charlotte Reznick PhD is a child educational psychologist, an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at UCLA, and author of the LA Times bestselling book The Power of Your Child's Imagination: How to Transform Stress and Anxiety into Joy and Success (Perigee/Penguin, 2009). In addition to her private practice, she creates therapeutic relaxation CDs for children, teens, and parents, and teaches workshops internationally on the healing power of children's imagination. You can find out more about her at http://www.imageryforkids.com

Deceived Denial In the Face of Truth

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Whether you are in the media, such as Elin Woods, or the unnamed spouse out of public view yet living with chronic deception, you may ask, "How did I get to this place?" Denial is one reason, not just your partner's denial but your denial. As partners of alcoholics frequently feel guilty for the behavior of the alcoholic - that if they were better partners, if they could just do the right thing, the alcoholic wouldn't drink so much - partners of those who are acting out sexually nearly always believe that his behavior is a statement about themselves. They believe they must not be pretty enough, sexy enough, smart enough, thin enough, alluring enough, ample-breasted enough, long-legged enough. The list is never ending.

You probably operate from the belief, "I need to do or be something different and that will make him stop." First and foremost you need to understand that you are not the cause of his acting out behavior. It isn't about you being different. He engages in his activity because of his own emotional wounding that now manifests in a pathological relationship with a mood altering behavior which for him is sex.
For years partners of addicts, irrespective of the addiction, have pretended that things are different than how they really are. When the addictive behavior is sex instead of alcohol or drugs, gambling, food, etc., denial for the partner is often accelerated because of the greater degree of shame and implied messages about the person acting out and the coupleship. Partners deny in an attempt to hang on to what is really an illusion, the fantasy that all is really okay. The fact is life is out of control; the addiction is in the driver's seat. But deny you must when you can't see your way out. It is a form of self protection.

After hearing time after time that you have quite an imagination, or that you are the one responsible for his unhappiness, or that it's your job to shut up and be grateful for what you have, or that you simply have trust issues, you learn to keep quiet. You keep fears and doubts to yourself while your self esteem erodes away.

Simply put, denial is dismissing your own intuition. It is blatantly overlooking what is right in front of you. Often there are clear indicators that you have a serious problem but you may choose not to see it. Denial stems from a yearning to believe that all will be fine or that all will return to how it was before this acting out behavior reared its ugly head. Do not chastise yourself for your denial but learn from it. It is a natural response to hurt and loss. Unfortunately it only perpetuates your situation and your pain in the long run. For your own well being it is critical you recognize the many ways you've rationalized. That is a start in stopping this well practiced defense.

Welcome to the new blog Stop Walking on Eggshells

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around someone important in your life? Does this phrase immediately strike not just a chord but a whole piano concerto? If so, someone in your life may have either borderline personality disorder (BPD) or borderline traits.

Take a look at the following questions. If you answer "yes" to most of them, your loved one might have BPD:

• Does she see you in one of two modes: either a hateful person who never loved her or a source of blessed, unconditional love?

• Does he continually put you in no-win situations? When you try to explain that his position is the opposite of what he said earlier, does it bring on more criticism?

• Is everything always your fault? Are you the target of constant criticism?

• Are there times when everything seems normal and you're on her good side-even idealized-but then for no obvious reason everything falls apart?

• When he's angry, does it degrade into a take-no-prisoners, vicious attack that leaves you reeling?

• Does she use fear, obligation, and guilt to get her way? Do you feel so manipulated that you don't trust her anymore?

• Are you starting to doubt your own sense of reality? Has constant exposure to his skewed sensibility, combined with isolation from family and friends, made you feel like Dorothy confounded in the strange Land of Oz?

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness that causes those who have it to see people and situations as all good or all bad; to feel empty and without an identity; and to have extreme, blink-of-an-eye mood swings. People with BPD act impulsively; their self-loathing and extreme fear of abandonment can cause them to lash out at others with baseless criticism and blame. Some practice self-harm or see no other option than suicide as a way to end their pain.

People with borderline personality disorder experience the world much differently than most people. For reasons we don't entirely understand, the disorder distorts critical thought processes, resulting in emotions and actions that are out of the norm. If we could look inside the heads of people with BPD to see the way they think, we'd find out they live in a world of extremes. To them, people and situations are all good or all bad, with nothing in between.

They don't just admire or respect someone-they elevate that person to an impossible standard and then knock him down when he inevitably disappoints them. They see themselves this way, too, so that one small misstep leads them to think, I am a worthless person.

A Worldwide Mental Health "Plague"

BPD is a massive problem worldwide. According to new research, it affects about 6% of the population. It is associated with societal ills like substance abuse, high-conflict disorder, domestic abuse, lost work productivity, gambling, and gambling.It's also associated with a host of other disorders: depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, and other personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder.

BPD is not infectious, like the measles. But people who are exposed to these behaviors can unwittingly become and integral part of the disorder.
Friends and family members take these actions personally and feel trapped in a toxic cycle of guilt, self-blame, depression, rage, denial, isolation, and confusion.

Meanwhile, their borderline loved one may be lost in a cycle of anguish and shame the family member may not or may not observe. Some people with BPD are aware of their condition and seek help. Their pain is close to the surface that they cope with the pain through self-harm. They want to die. And they do: one person with BPD out of 10 in a clinical setting does commit suicide.

Others act differently. They project their distress outward at their loved ones, who seem to feel it for them. The closer the relationship, the more pain that gets projected. Sometimes close family members are the only ones who know something is terribly wrong. They says things like, "I'm always walking on eggshells." Parents wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

Welcome to This New Blog

My name is Randi Kreger, and I have written three best-selling books about borderline personality disorder for friends and family members of those with the disorder: Stop Walking on Eggshells, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, and The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I also operate http://www.BPDCentral.com one of the top web-based resources for those living with BPD, and run the Welcome to Oz Online Family Community. I give seminars and workshops on BPD and the family, both for clinicians and laypeople, all over the country. I became interested in BPD when I discovered that someone in my life had the disorder.

In this blog, I'll be examining personality disorders and related issues. If someone you care about has borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder, I will help you:

• Become more confident and clear about who you are and what you need.
• Know where to concentrate your efforts.
• Extricate yourself from non-productive, aggressive conversations.
• Improve your problem-solving skills.
• Learn how to help your family member without trying to rescue them.
• Feel more self-assured about setting limits without backing down.

Please feel free to write me with suggestions and questions. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Thelonious MonkBebop Pioneer and Bipolar? My Interview with Professor Robin D G Kelley author of Thelonious Monk The Life and Times of an American Original

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Robin D.G. Kelley is Professor of History and American Studies at the University of Southern California. His Monk biography was published by Free Press in November 2009.

LS: Most people are surprised to hear that Monk had bipolar disorder---perhaps they remember that he was thought to be "Mad Monk", but they don't associate the bipolar diagnosis with him or his life. Why do you think this is?

RK: The media portrayals of Monk we've inherited from critics and fans have a lot to do with the particular way he's been remembered as "mad" or "crazy." Of course, Monk himself contributed to this image with his performance style - both on and off stage. He liked to entertain, to clown, to do the unusual, and he was often quite conscious and deliberate. But his illness had different manifestations and those behaviors were often conflated with his performance. The symptoms of bipolar disorder were often buried beneath so many other unusual behaviors. On the other hand, critics and fans who wanted to rescue him from the Mad Monk label went the other direction, insisting that there was nothing wrong, and this is just "how he is." There has also been quite a bit of speculation about Monk's mental illness, some suggesting he had Turrets syndrome, others insisting he was autistic. My knowledge comes from the family and limited medical records available to me.

LS: As a historian, how did you tease out mental illness from addiction and from his essential rebel nature?

RK: This was difficult. First, I had to put Thelonious Monk in context as a struggling black male artist in a racist society during a dynamic era of black social movement, the toppling of formal segregation, and dramatic shifts in the political and cultural landscape. Some of Monk's actions were rebellious, some were quite conservative in light of new political and artistic directions. Addiction was an issue and it's far too complicated to discuss it here, but I did read as much as I could about bipolar disorder and learned that some people who suffer from the disease are prone to drug and alcohol addiction as a way of coping with chemical imbalances. For Monk, I think this may have been the case (though he drank regularly up until his late 50s when he gave up alcohol, and used drugs intermittently, it is hard to describe him as an addict). The evidence I found suggest that his most significant problem was poor medical care and the fact that he had a doctor administering amphetamines in the guise of "vitamin shots" while he was taking quite a bit of Thorazine. The combination only worsened his condition. (And let me add that I benefited from the expert advice and insight of Nellie's cousin, Dr. Anna Lou Smith, a respected psychiatrist in Los Angeles and pioneer of the community mental health movement who not only knew Monk pretty well but intervened a few times in his care. She knew exactly what he was taking and when and the side effects it had, not to mention the kind of treatment he received in the late 1950s when he made a few trips to Los Angeles.)
The short answer to the question is "evidence" (to quote a Monk song!) I tried not to speculate much and look at a combination of factors and sources. I don't know if I got everything right, but I tried to do two essential things: 1) show that Monk's ups and downs were episodic rather than a constant condition. Most of the time Monk was stable, and those difficult moments sometimes only occurred twice or three times a year. 2) I tried to remove the stigma from bipolar disorder and disentangle it from representations of him as being "crazy."

LS: You're careful not to romanticize mental illness, to show what his episodes took from his life and work. But could Monk had been Monk without it? Did it contribute to his life and work as well?

RK: This is the critical debate among biographers and historians who write about artists who have bipolar disorder. I come down on the side that it did not enhance or enrich his work or gave him unique vision he would not have had otherwise. I think he still would have been "Monk" and, in fact, may have been more prolific in terms of his compositions. Even his antics (which have often been used to define him), I believe, were crafted or spontaneous manifestations of his wit, not outcomes of the disease. However, I do think the kind of meds he received matter more. Thorazine made his fingers stiff and it was often a struggle for him. When he finally received lithium treatments, evidence suggests it deadened his creative drive (though it might have already diminished) and contributed to his decision to stop playing, though it successfully stabilized him. Most importantly, his approach to playing and composition were products of unceasing study and practice. He had a way of playing and writing that was labored over and I see no evidence that his manic phases contributed.

LS: Monk's career and financial instability---how typical was this of jazz greats of his time, and how much was it symptomatic of a disordered mind?

RK: I would say Monk's financial instability was pretty typical of most jazz musicians then because of institutional factors in the industry. Part of what I hoped to demonstrate in the book was just how difficult it was to make any money when musicians were so grossly underpaid, overworked, and exploited. Monk actually did better than most, though he should have made a lot more money. What is interesting, however, is that Nellie, his wife, was the person who handled the finances in the house-Monk just handed over the checks. Now she may not have had a disordered mind, but she was incredibly overwhelmed at times and the disorder of her life was evident!

LS: How did Nellie Monk understand her husband's mercurial mind? Did she see the psychiatric dimensions with any detachment, or was she continuously carried along on the roller coaster?

RK: think both were true. She recognized her husband's genius as well as his difference and though she suffered because of it, she always emphasized to her kids that their father was special and they need to accept him and support him. It's also important to remember that they had more good times, more laughs and calm moments than difficult times. On the other hand, it was a roller coaster during certain moments, though it was exacerbated by race. What do I mean? When Monk did not come home or turned up missing, her first fear is whether he'd been arrested. Twice he ended up in mental institutions after disappearing, but most of the time he was incarcerated. The fact is, black male artists were more likely to see the inside of a jail cell or confront a billy club from a rogue cop than their white counterparts, and this is what Nellie was most afraid of.

LS: Monk was hospitalized how many times? And not properly diagnosed and treated until 1972. Of the many factors contributing to why it took so long, which seem the most influential to you?

RK: He was hospitalized over a dozen times, though not always for issues related to mental illness. In some cases I just don't know; other cases it was flu, virus, prostate issues, etc. The first hospitalization of which I'm aware was in December 1956 (Bellevue). Of course, between late 1956 and 1974, we witness some developments in treatment and scientific breakthroughs. This, I think, explains quite a bit about his diagnosis or lack thereof, and the kinds of meds he was prescribed. Also, his healthcare was intermittent and there were times when his doctors just were not all that knowledgeable. When his condition worsened in the 1970s, that's when there was a more concerted effort to find some alternative to the thorazine he had been taking since at least 1959. So in my view, the length of time it took to find the right diagnosis mirrors the medical profession's own struggle to figure out how to treat manic depression, let alone diagnose it. That, and the fact that like most musicians he had no medical plan with regular check ups and the like. And he was constantly working and traveling.

LS: Ultimately you've written a portrait of an innovator, "an American Original"--and this originality was what he encouraged in his students and fellow musicians, not difference for the sake of difference, but as you write, "striving for something startling and memorable, and never being afraid to make mistakes". This is ultimately a deeply mentally healthy way to be, no?

RK: Most certainly! In fact, I have argued elsewhere that what struck me about Monk was just how mentally healthy he was. Here we might make an important distinction between suffering from chemical imbalances and making very healthy decisions in one's life when one is in balance. Monk raised his children to not worry about what other people think; to do their thing on their terms, even if it doesn't bring immediate riches. I love the story in the book when he takes his five-year old son to buy shoes and allows him to choose his own style. Everyone in the family criticized Thelonious for letting a five year old pick his own shoes and Monk's response was simply, I'll make sure the size is right but these are his shoes. He's not going to dig the shoes I dig. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. He schooled his colleagues and friends on the importance of marital fidelity; loyalty in friendship; speaking the truth even if it's uncomfortable, among other things. In my view, he was a far more healthier person than, say, Miles Davis, and many other contemporaries who did NOT suffer from bipolar disorder. Indeed, I think it is interesting that Monk's music conveys joy and humor above all-there is a playfulness in all of his compositions and in the way he improvised. Monk wanted you to laugh when you heard him play, and we do.

Why Bees Hate Layoffs

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Professor Jeffrey Pfeffer's metaphor that equates layoffs with bloodletting is apt in that it draws attention to the cyclical, progressive weakening of a system (Cover Story, February 15th, Newsweek). Based on over 100 million years of experience, honeybees offer another analogy that underscores the point that layoffs are inefficient and just bad business. The equivalent to operating cash flow for honeybees is pollen intake that they predominately use as food for brood -- the baby bees. They manage pollen intake carefully and keep only a 3 - 5 day reserve on hand. Sometimes protracted harsh weather conditions can make the collection of pollen difficult, and their stores of pollen dwindle. Their first response, whether the need is for pollen or nectar, is to increase their R&D activity by sending out more scouts. Thus, their initial reaction is to find more and better sources of food and fuel for the colony. The second response is to cut back on brood production: essentially put a hiring freeze in place. The third and final response is to accelerate development of the oldest larvae and their movement into the field as foragers, and sacrifice the youngest bees: the threefold intent is to preserve the remaining pollen, protect their investment in the most mature bees, and have an adult foraging workforce available when conditions improve. Nevertheless, they absolutely do not want to get here because they will have lost a generation of young and will be sending undernourished bees into the field -- they will die young. In addition, the organization's division of labor and task scheduling is thoroughly disrupted and the bees are physically and experientially (that's right, it takes time to learn how to become a good forager) poorly equipped to efficiently forage. It may take years for the hive to recover, and there is a very good chance it will never recover at all. The last thing a colony wants to do is lose any bees because that loss in the natural world is often a precursor to death for all. The most basic premise found in the operations of the hive is to try to protect the future at all costs. If you have to start cutting employees, you should fully understand what it really means: you are not giving yourself the best chance to survive, but possibly entering a phase that will be painful, long, and possibly terminal.

A Generational Divide on Wall Street

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

The Battle Lines Are Being Drawn

Some of the most senior and respected figures in American banking are lining up to support financial reform. Paul Volcker, Chair of the President's Economic Recovery Advisory Board and former Chairman of the Federal Reserve, "signed up the support of nearly a dozen peers whose average age is north of 70 and whose pedigrees on Wall Street and in banking are impeccable," as The New York Times put it, "giants like George Soros, Nicholas F. Brady, John S. Reed, William H. Donaldson and John C. Bogle."

Volker has focused on reinstating restrictions on banks buying and selling securities for their own accounts. But "most of his prominent supporters see that as a starting point in a broader return to regulation. And most do not hesitate to speak up in interviews." Mr. Bogle, the founder of Vanguard, said: "I am a believer that the system has gone badly awry and needs massive reform." (See, "Elders of Wall Street Favor More Regulation.")

On the other side, the younger generation, still active in managing Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase, Morgan Stanley, Citigroup and the like, are fiercely lobbying Congress against such regulation.

Such generational splitting is far from unusual. To begin with, older generations tend to be critical of the short-sightedness of their successors. It is one of the few sources of leverage left to them. In this case, we have the additional factor that the younger generation is in charge. Still accountable for the profitability and competitive success of their firms, it is difficult if not impossible for them to detach from those interests and obligations without arousing a storm of criticism from those they are currently leading. They run the risk of being seen as disloyal and, perhaps, even being fired.

What is unusual here is the public attention these conflicts are beginning to generate. No longer speaking privately, they reveal the urgency of the issues, and the growing possibility that nothing will be done to reform the financial industry. It is looking more and more like war.

Another sign of the growing conflict comes from Gary Gensler, the chairman of the Commodities Futures Trading Commission and a former Goldman Sacks partner. An article in BusinessWeek details his aggressive stance on the need for regulation, along with his informed understanding of just how complex the problems are -- and how determined his former associates are in fighting any attempt at regulation.

Gensler is particular effective because he was on the other side. At first that made many suspicious of his motives, but the fact of the matter is that effective reform requires inside, detailed knowledge. Moreover, as BusinessWeek noted: Gensler can take on the banks without fear of annoying potential employers. "I don't see myself going back to Wall Street," he says. "That's very liberating." (See, "A Goldman Guy Turns on the Street.")

That's the issue in a nutshell. The senior bankers mobilizing in support of Volker are not going back to Wall Street either. That frees them to speak their minds. They may lose a few friends, but clearly they think it is worth that risk to make the changes to our financial system that need to be made.

Do We Really Need A Brain?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

How much of our intelligence even comes from our brain? Despite many new studies that are being conducted using state-of-the-art technology and imaging, scientists still know very little about consciousness and where intelligence comes from.

In one study, British neurologist John Lorber concluded that the loss of nearly all of the cerebral cortex (the late evolutionary part of the brain that gave humans their vaunted mental powers and superiority over other animals) does not necessarily lead to mental impairment. One student at Sheffield University, who had an IQ of 126 and won first-class honors in mathematics, had virtually no brain from a condition called hydrocephalus. This led scientists to wonder--where does intelligence come from?

Moreover, scientists still don't thoroughly understand where intuitive intelligence comes from -- that form of knowledge that goes beyond the so-called rational brain. Why do we sense danger before the event even happens? Why do we hear from a long-lost schoolmate moments after we've thought of her?

As a psychiatrist who integrates intuition with traditional medicine, I believe that consciousness and intuition involve a kind of wisdom that goes beyond the rational mind, beyond neurons, beyond the time space continuum. I have spent my career integrating intuitive medicine into the practice of traditional, biologically oriented, psychiatry. But my personal journey--which I chronicle in my new book Second Sight--is one where I grew up as an intuitive child in a family of 25 physicians--scientifically minded relatives who raised their eyebrows to intuition and revered only the statistics = reality oriented paradigm of reality. My message is that we can blend intuition with the analytic mind to make us smarter, more insightful and more loving. I know when doctors "tune in" to this other form of intelligence; it greatly expands the scope and effectiveness of their healing practice. By tapping into your own intuition, you can also enhance work performance, athletic skills, health, relationships, and much more.

I want to raise the discussion about:

• What makes humans conscious beings
• What intelligence is -- and where it can be found in your body, besides the brain
• Why coincidences happen--and why they are not merely random events
• How to strengthen your intuitive intelligence--and make better decisions
• Why you should pay attention to "gut" reactions

I invite you to keep an open mind, perhaps explore areas you haven't ventured in before, and be prepared for lively debates with colleagues and friends as well as exploring new methods of discovery.

Judith Orloff MD, a UCLA psychiatrist is author of the new bestseller Second Sight: An Intuitive Psychiatrist Tells Her Story and Shows You How to Tap Your Own Inner Wisdom (Three Rivers Press edition, 2010). Second Sight describes how to tap your intuitive intelligence in your work, relationships, health, and everyday life. She is also author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Freedom. For more information and inspiration, visit www.drjudithorloff.com.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

The physical/mental health benefits associated with being married are clear to anyone who's experienced a successful bond. Indeed, a happy couple is a perfect example of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. If you've never been married or if you found yourself mismatched then, of course, you wouldn't know. But how long does that Happily Ever After part last? Is there a Sever Year Itch? Do you eventually come to regret your choice?

Not so according to a recent CBS News poll. They interviewed a random sample of 868 subjects nationwide from January 29th to the 31st of 2010. The results were not only remarkable they were remarkably consistent with similar polls done years ago.

When asked: "Would you marry your spouse again?" a full 90% said they would. Only 9% said they would not. Going back to 1995, 93% said Yes and 6% said No.

Looking at the poll more closely, 95% of men said they would remarry their wives while 85% of wives said they would remarry their husbands.

There was also some variance based on finances. Of couples making more than $50K, 95% would remarry their mate while only 83% of those making less than that would do the same. But even here, 83% is still a significant proportion.

In fact, when asked what was important to a relationship, neither money nor sex was listed as a major factor. Respect came in at 49% and Trust got a 37% rating. One in ten couples said that a Sense of Humor was most important to a successful relationship.

What about Love at First Sight? Roughly half the subjects felt it was indeed possible...with men slightly more inclined to believe in the legitimacy of spotting your life-mate across a crowded room on some enchanted evening.

“From Chaos Comes Creativity from Order Comes Profit”

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

There is a saying, kind of a crude little formula, I have been using for years when I write and give talks on what it takes to build a culture where people innovate routinely (which I think I stole from Charles O'Reilly at the Stanford Business School):

Creativity + Implementation = Innovation

I have always found it a useful oversimplification of the two big things that have to happen in order to innovate, to cash in on new ideas. It is also related to one of the main ideas in Weird Ideas That Work, that creativity is about increasing the amount of variation and all around messiness and routine work is about driving out variance and driving in order and predictability.

In this spirit, one of the student groups in my class at Stanford on "Organizational Behavior: An Evidence-Based Approach," did a fantastic case study of the culture of innovation at Lunar Design. The members were Ioannis Alivizatos, Meeta Arora, Stephen Streeter, and Ben Merrick. They heard the quote in the title of this post from John Edson (pictured above), Lunar is a product design firm that has designed many familiar products including the HP Touchsmart, the Oral B CrossAction toothbrush, and the Modu phone. I think that "“From Chaos Comes Creativity, from Order Comes Profit” conveys a similar message to the one I borrowed from Charles – that the messiness and failure required to generate a new idea needs to be shut-off as you move into the implementation phase, where more control and order are required. Knowing how and when to make that shift is tough, although the best firms and bosses make it happen routinely. For example, Intel’s motto “disagree and then commit” reflects this spirit – you fight during the creative part, but join arms to make the idea work during the implementation part, even if you think the decision was wrong.

P.S. And following my recent post about failure on my personal blog, I also liked how a key element of their culture was that, when people made mistakes, they framed it as "Paying for education."

You Can Be Stronger Kant Said So!

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Here's where I'll start explaining why I think people are stronger than they think, and we'll start with the natural person—Immanuel Kant.

Kant? Really? That guy?

Most people who have some familiarity with Kant and his duty-based (or deontological) system of ethics probably remember the categorical imperative, which comes in several flavors (all vanilla!) that allow a person to test their plans of action (or maxims) to determine if they're permissible or morally forbidden. The most well-known version of the categorical imperative is the one that demands that maxims must be universalizable:

Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law. (Grounding for the Metaphysics of Morals, p. 421)

Maxims that fail that test become duties to avoid such action; more instance, lying fails the universalization test because if everyone lied, no one would believe anybody, which would defeat the purpose of lying. Voila, the duty not to lie.

Sure, there's that formalistic part of Kant's ethics—which is not as bad as it seems, really, but maybe I'll talk about that in another post (or look at this paper). The other versions of the categorical imperative are more humanistic, such as this one:

Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of another, always at the same time as an end and never simply as a means. (Grounding, p. 429)

As this version makes more clear, Kantian ethics are about the equal dignity of all persons, and the mutual respect that the recognition of this equal status demands. (That's also the motivating factor behind universalizing maxims in the first place, but again, more on this later.)

But Kant didn't simply assume we would all follow what our duties perfectly; no human being can be perfectly moral, as we each have an undeniable animal nature that we nonetheless must struggle to resist. He also wrote about the strength needed to do this (which he called virtue), where it comes from, and how to develop it.

First, let's talk about autonomy. In Kantian terms, this is the capacity, possessed by all human beings, to make choices independent of external influences (social pressure, authority) and internal desires. It is what allows us to do the right thing, even if other people urge us not to, and—more often—even if we don't want to.

In terms of ethics, autonomy implies that we determine the moral law for ourselves and follow it of our own choosing; understood this way, it is an amazing power, but also an awesome responsibility. While we all have true autonomy or inner freedom (freedom of choice, as opposed to outer freedom, or freedom of action), we must use it in a moral way. Based on this capacity for autonomous choice, Kant argues that human beings have dignity, an incomparable and incalculable worth, as we saw from the the second version of the categorical imperative above.

But while we have tremendous potential for self-direction and self-invention due to our autonomy, it's not necessarily easy to realize it. Temptations lie all around us: other people try to get us to do things we don't want to do or that we feel wouldn't be ethical, and our desires often interfere with our judgment regarding the right thing to do, or our will to do it (remember that animal nature!).

In other words, we need strength:

For while the capacity to overcome all opposing sensible impulses can and must be simply presupposed in man on account of his freedom, yet this capacity as strength is something he must acquire. (Kant, Metaphysics of Morals, p. 397)

and how does one acquire this strength?

The way to acquire [strength] is to enhance the moral incentive (the thought of the law), both by contemplating the dignity of the pure rational law in us and by practicing virtue. (Metaphysics of Morals, p. 397, emphasis mine)

So strength doesn't just come to us; we have to work at it. As I'll post about later, psychologist (and fellow PT blogger) Roy Baumeister and his colleagues have written that willpower (or strength of will) resembles a muscle in many ways. In particular, it gets stronger when it is "exercised," and withers away from neglect; or, as Kant wrote about strength, "if it is not rising, [it] is unavoidably sinking" (Metaphysics of Morals, p. 409). Or, in modern terms, "use it or lose it."

Personally, I find Kant to be inspirational because he emphasizes this potential in each of us to be stronger than we may think we can be, and a lot of what it takes to get there is effort. It may not be easy, but it is possible!

The Tooth Fairy as economic indicator?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

At least somebody got a 13 percent raise this year . . . . According to WebMD, a new poll shows that the Tooth Fairy is paying an average of $2.13 per tooth. This is up from $1.88 at this time last year. Whether this means that the Tooth Fairy has more money to give out [...]

Happy Sunday Celebrate with an omelet

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

I was cruising the American Egg Board site, which promotes “the incredible edible egg,” and I came across dozens of recipes that looked tasty and fun for breakfast, brunch, a bridal or baby shower, holidays such as Easter or other special occasions that are both casual and elegant. So while you can browse all of [...]

Beyond Mom Our first natural disaster

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

This past Thursday night, our neck of the woods was ravaged by a furious winter storm that brought torrential downpours and winds of over 60 mph. All around our home, giant pine trees were struck down and strewn across the roads like so much kindling. Thousands of area homes and businesses are still without power, [...]

Keeping kids and mom happy at the store

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

And I was amazed when stores started offering those special carts where a kid can sit and watch “Bob the Builder” while mom shops. . . . According to LilSugar, a grocery store in Phoenix is pleasing many parents by offering babysitting services for kids while parents shop. The play area comes complete with toys, videos, [...]

Are you a good guesser? Take our quiz!

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

First, a scene from a play: Setting: The upstairs bathroom, at bath time. Characters: Anna, 5, Clara, 3, Dan, 38 Dan runs water into the bathtub while Anna and Clara watch. Dan: My God, something smells horrible in here. What is that? Anna: I smell it too, Daddy. Clara: Maybe it’s……the soap! Anna: No. It couldn’t be the soap. That doesn’t [...]

Photo caption contest And the winner is?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Watch out, that one bites! We asked you, what’s going on in this picture? From Maranda, this week’s winning caption is: “No, you can’t have my teeth! Get your own!” Stay tuned tomorrow for a new photo caption contest featuring one of your most caption-worthy photos. And don’t forget to check out these other great captions and last [...]

Very Violet Tales from a coop school work day

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Friday is my work day at Violet’s school, so every Friday morning starts off a little rushed. We have to leave at 8:30 instead of around 9 as we typically do, with her snack and jacket all packed. Today’s a little more rushed, because I have several loads of the school’s laundry–it’s our month to [...]

Girl scout told to keep cookies off Internet

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Remember when we were young and selling items for school or clubs meant going door to door, harassing relatives, or having your parents take the order forms to work to dangle in front of co-workers who owed them a favor? Times have changed, but the Girl Scouts of America doesn’t welcome all advances. According to Lemondrop, an eight-year-old [...]

Could we be absorbing inhaling or ingesting a cause of autism?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

In desperation, I used some stinky bath gel I got for Christmas to make bubbles in my 4-year-old’s bath the other day. Not long after that, I found her in the bathroom, a toilet in a closet here in France, getting trigger happy with the air freshener. I could hardly see her through the mist. Then I [...]

When gaining weight may help infertility problems

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Did you watch The View’s hour-long episode on infertility last week? The episode sent Twitter abuzz with comments–some would say negative judgments–about Guiliana Rancic’s hesitation to gain 5 or 10 pounds, which her doctor says may help her and her husband, Bill Rancic, conceive after nine months of not being able to. Guiliana is Hollywood skinny [...]

Review fun huge building blocks BrikaBlok

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

A rather surprising email arrived in my inbox a few weeks ago from a PR company that represented a toy inventor in Québec, Brik-a-Blok Toys. Seems they have a sort of human-size Lego set and were interested if I'd like to have a look. Here's a pic from their site:

Looked pretty cool and my 6yo girl is always pushing things around to make forts and hideouts, so I answered their query "sure!" and dutifully received a really big, heavy box from UPS a week or so later...

Please continue reading Review: fun, huge building blocks: Brik-a-Blok - Tech Support

How much free time do moms really have?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Time-use researcher John Robinson says in a Washington Post magazine story that today’s moms have a lot more free time on their hands than they would like to admit. Free time to the tune of 40 hours a week. This…

Family vacation nightmare Killer whale kills trainer at SeaWorld

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

I remember visiting SeaWorld with our little ones a year and a half ago. The Shamu show as a highlight. We were awed by these majestic creatures and how they responded to their trainers.

That memory makes today’s horrible story about the killer whale attack…

Lesson from Delaware Never leave child alone with pediatrician

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

It’s the most vile abuse of power when an authority figure gains the trust of parents only to abuse their children.

This stomach-turning story about Earl B. Bradley, the Delaware pediatrician accused of more than 400 counts of sexually abusing…

Choking warning labels on grapes hot dogs and popcorn?

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Do we need to redesign hot dogs to make them safer? Should grapes, popcorn and peanuts be labelled as a choking hazard?

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggest parents and the federal government are not concerned enough about the risk that…

Sue Scheff Get Your Teens Involved in Community Service ? Relay for Life American Cancer Society

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Relay for Life of Weston is being held on April 24-25, 2010 at Cypress Bay High School. The entire community of Weston supports this annual event. Many Weston schools sponsor teams each year, with students taking an active role in the fundraiser.

This is a great opportunity for your entire family to participate in a good cause and spend time not only with each other, but meeting neighbors in your community. Encouraging your teens to get involved not only can build their self esteem, it promotes community service and warms the hearts of many.

One important aspect of the American Cancer Society Relay For Life is the opportunity for people to come together to remember loved ones lost to cancer and honor those who have won their battle. One of the most moving parts of the event is the Luminaria Ceremony.

As the sun sets over campsites and darkness falls, the night is brightened by the glow of illuminated bags called luminaria, each bearing the name of someone who has battled cancer. Some celebrate cancer survivors, while others help us honor and remember those gone too soon. All represent someone special who has been profoundly affected by cancer and the family and friends who continue to fight back in their honor.

Would you like to honor or remember someone with a luminaria during the Relay For Life® Luminaria Ceremony of Hope? Order your luminaria online now!

Learn more about Weston’s Relay Life, click here or contact Joy Medrano at (954) 471-5136 or email at WestonRelayTeams2010@comcast.net.

Sue Scheff Think before you hit send ? Nastygrams are not nice to send or receive

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

It is more likely than not that you have typed an email filled with anger and hit send before thinking about the consequences. It is even likely you have received an email that hurt your feelings and was simply ugly.

Emails fly through the day and through the night. Once you hit send, it could be the end of a friendship, job, relationship, or even marriage. Have you reviewed your email and thought about who will be seeing it? Who will be reading it? Or if it ends up as an exhibit in a court of law, will it come back to haunt you?

We can learn to maintain our stress level through breathing exercises or even counting to a hundred. It would benefit you if you are angry, upset, or have to deliver not so good news, to think twice before hitting send. Put that email in your drafts, think on it for twenty-four hours.

Like with bullying, these emails can have lasting emotional affects on the person receiving it. Is that your intent? If so, you truly need to step back from the keypad or mouse and re-evaluate this situation.

Teens and kids don’t always think before they hit send. Take the time to teach your children about the liabilities of sending “nasty-grams“. What you post or send today, may come back to haunt you tomorrow.

Think twice before you launch that email!

Read more on Examiner.

Art Show

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

A few weeks back, we received notification that Austin had a piece of artwork chosen to be displayed in the district gallery. He was very excited. However, with the impending bad weather on Tuesday, the district postponed the art show. The show is only through today and he was very concerned we wouldn’t get a chance to see it. Fortunately, the temperatures have moderated and instead of more snow, we’ve been receiving only rain. So last night, we headed to the High School to see the art show.

I was very surprised, I expected lots of pieces to be displayed. Instead only about 100 pieces from grades 1-12 were chosen. I was thrilled that Austin’s was among them.

We finally spy Austin’s sculpture up ahead and make our way over. I notice Austin getting upset, he starts insisting it isn’t his. We explain perhaps it just looks differently under the lights and point out his name is written on the sculpture. He’s very unsure. But we are gushing all about the piece and he seems appeased. I happen to look over my shoulder and see an art director standing behind me. She says this situation is one of the worst things for an art teacher to hear, she’s concerned perhaps there was a mistake and is worried for Austin. I point out his name is right on the piece and I suspect he just hasn’t seen it in awhile. I felt so bad for her because she felt so bad. She even checked back with us a little later to make sure everything was ok, and it was.

Austin enjoyed posing with his sculpture.

It’s Saturn, in case you couldn’t tell. Personally I couldn’t, I know NOTHING about planets. And don’t even try to explian the phases of the moon and such. I just can’t grasp it. I don’t know why. Jeff makes fun of me about this constantly!

He’s anxious for it to come home so we can hang it in his room.

What Can Go Wrong Will

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

Wednesday the kids got a snow day. I packed them up and sent them to Grandma’s. I got myself to work early, figuring I’d get home early and have time to clear the driveway for Jeff. Unexpectedly, I had a snow day too, since my company had no power.

Now MOST people would take this as a sign to wallow in their jammies and do nothing. But, I’m not most people. I figured since I was already cold and wet that I’d clear as much of the roof as possible. That done, I decided I might as well polyurethane the new shelf in the basement and stain a cabinet. And of course the cabinet stained MUCH darker than the shelf. While this is happening, I hear that my sister is having car troubles while trying to get home from Boston.

About an hour later I get an SOS Facebook update saying the car is stalled again and she’s stranded. I call and say I’ll be out in a bit, but to try and get to Lee, MA. The roads weren’t bad, just slushy and I am chugging along. I get about to the NY border and my tire pressure light starts flashing. Though I don’t feel any shake or thump, I figure it’s best to pull over and check. I skid to a halt in the slush on the side of the road. I roll my window down about an inch so I can see in my side view mirror clearly. I am waiting for a break in traffic to hop out and check my tires. Instead, a car comes flying by, hits a slush puddle and sprays the interior of my car… my dash, my windshield, my console, my stereo. All covered in muddy slush… and me, with but 3 napkins in my car! It’s amazing how much can come in through an inch opening! To make matters worse, I check my tires and they are FINE!!!

Through all this I am trying to stay in touch with my sister and my stepfather, my cell battery is quickly draining. Her car appears to be completely dead at this point so I tell her to call AAA and have it towed to Lee. About 2 hours later, they seem to think it is a fatal engine problem. We leave the car and head home, thankfully with no more issues.

The Bus Stop Club

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:00:00 +0100

An organization known as The Bus Stop Club provides sessions that allow siblings to share experiences, to ask questions and to learn about the disease process that their brother or sister is experiencing.

Any child, age 7-15, living in the Capital Region area of Upstate New York, who has a sibling suffering from a chronic illness or disability, is eligible to participate. The program is FREE OF CHARGE and registration is required by each member prior to attending our meetings. For more information and registration forms, please visit their website or email them at info@busstopclub.com.