You know what sounds good right about now? No, besides a few glasses of Glenmorangie. Yep, that's right, a mouthwatering Dirt Sandwich. Defamer's resident Sandwich Artist, Molly McAleer, spent all week combing through oodles and oodles of high-caliber celebrity infotainment programming in search of the tastiest ingredients this side of a fresh crop of salvia. This week's installment features Prince William's rapidly eroding hairline, TMZ's (imagined) kidnapping of Paris Hilton, David Foster's truly brutal verbal pummeling of Idol reject Jason Castro and, of course, Lindsay Lohan's minknapping incident (which, naturally, Dina Lohan chalks up as part of the vast media conspiracy against her eldest daughter). Enjoy!
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week (depending on volume), so send them in early and often—without them, we'll surely be forced to endure another Pellicano trial! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Jessica Alba cut in the breakfast line at the Griddle Cafe.
In today's installment: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren, Kiefer Sutherland, Jay Leno, Goldie Hawn (with Oliver Hudson), Adam Brody, Cheryl Hines, Ali Landry, Davy Jones (singing karaoke, no less!), Casey Affleck, Traci Lords, Marlee Matlin, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Chris O'Donnell, Adam Carolla, Romany Malco, Scott Caan, Dee Snider, Ms. Jay, Robert Culp and more!
SUNDAY, APRIL 20
· Saw Jay Leno getting out of his ride at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach before his weekly appearance there every Sunday evening. Practically side-swiped the driver next to me while gawking at Jay's car. Didn't get the make and model but I can confirm that it looked very silver, very fast and very expensive.
FRIDAY, APRIL 25
· Spotted Marlee Matlin and her Dancing With the Stars partner (?) at the valet at Forever 21. Can't figure why they were there together as I heard they were voted off the show earlier in the week. Don't ask how I know that. Anyway, she is tiny and he..... not so tall. She drove them away in a huge gas quaffing SUV.
· Yesterday saw John Ennis (Mr. Show and Walk Hard) at the Nature Mart in Los Feliz.
· Saw Perry from Make Me A Supermodel at Vons at Sunset/Virgil @ 7pm. Tall, thin, wearing a wifebeater and looking FINE. With some dressed down chick, not sure if it was his gf. She manned the cart of course, Perry was too busy struttin'.
· I saw Dog the Bounty Hunter (and wife) 4am Friday at LAX. Dog was wearing an American Flag windbreaker.
SATURDAY, APRIL 26
· I had dinner at El Compadre tonight, where I waited for our table next to Ms. Jay from ANTM. Then, I went with some friends to the Sly & the Family Stone concert at the House of Blues. We found a good spot near the stage, and I turned around to see Daryl Hannah. She was with a younger couple, and really beautiful - laid back - in person. She was sporting a Marvin Gaye T-shirt and a belt made out of the pop-tops from soda cans...
· First, on Continental #65 from Newark to LAX on Saturday, Cheryl Hines was in first class. Very hot and very tiny in person, also very polite and low-key. She even walked to the parking garage with the car service driver from baggage claim.
· Was hanging out at my favorite Saturday night spot, Britannia Pub in Santa Monica, for karaoke (technically, Starraoke™) when we got word that none other than our childhood hero, Davy Jones, was at a table in the back. (Attention youngsters, I'm talking about the singer from The Monkees, not the character from Pirates of the Caribbean.) A quick trip to the ladies' room confirmed it, so one of my friends signed up for "Daydream Believer" in his honor. No more than a bar of music went by when Davy came bounding up from the back room, grabbed my friend and the mike and proceeded to perform the whole song with her, with the whole bar singing along (when they weren't snapping pics with their cameraphones). Mark it down as one of my favorite LA moments so far.
SUNDAY, APRIL 27
· Then, Sunday afternoon at the Hollywood Farmer's Market, bumped into Casey Affleck quickly making his way out of the crowd of hipsters. A couple hours later, saw Jonathan Togo (CSI Miami) at the WeHo Whole Foods, also moving through the store very quickly.
· While attending the Indian Film festival at the Arclight, I sat about three seats away from Nancy Kwan, who only looked about ten years older then she did in The World of Suzy Wong. On the way home I saw Robert Culp (I Spy) buying bananas. He's ambulatory and buying produce on his own at 10pm on a Sunday, which is pretty good for pushing 80.
MONDAY, APRIL 28
· Last night after the She & Him show (awesome!) at the Vista — Adam Brody having Amstel Lights at the Good Luck Bar, with a mystery blond that kinda looked like Arielle Kebbel, but I don't think it was her and shouldn't start rumors... or did I just do that?
TUESDAY, APRIL 29
· I spotted Chris O'Donnell by a Delta baggagae carousel at LAX. Navy blazer/jeans. Very preppy. Flew in from Atlanta. Such potential that one...
· Today was the highlight of my week, no make that my month. Saw Kiefer on Ventura Blvd/Balboa coming out of CHILI MY SOUL. He was clearly in great mood. He posed for pics with a couple of heavy set gals...one even got him to say damm it in to her cell phone. The Kiefer looked awesome, very skinny! Tennis shoes, jeans and blue t-shirt. He left with a pretty brunette who was dressed in of all things blue scrubs. DAMM IT my cell was in the car!
· I went to the Fox Hills Mall in Culver City yesterday for lunch and was blocked from using the newly reopened escalator by JC Penny by a PA with a serious God complex. The escalator was only for actors who were shooting on location. Well, it turns out the actors were Steve Agee (from The Sarah Silverman Program) and Adam Carolla. Carolla was sporting a huge fake Amish beard, Agee looked exactly the same as he does on Sarah Silverman.
THURSDAY, MAY 1
· Was having dinner at Mi Piace in Pasadena on Thursday evening when the crowd parted and I beheld Jerry Springer. How's that for a weird one? He sat with his back to the window on Colorado and ate alone quite peacefully. No chairs were thrown.
FRIDAY, MAY 2
· Near-fatal Goldie Hawn sighting. Driving up to my cousin's place in Pacific Palisades, saw a large group of seeming-hippies communing in the middle of the street. One of them appeared to be holding a baby up in the air, sort of bizarrely baptismal. Get closer, baby-holder is Goldie, hot son Oliver Hudson is next to her, and I think the baby in question is Oliver's. As I drive by, Goldie gives me a big smile and waves hello.
SATURDAY, MAY 3
· Saturday night I saw Romany Malco (Weeds / Baby Mama) with a cute lady friend playing cards at Stir Crazy coffee shop on Melrose.
· In front of Larchmont Wine & Cheese, I spotted a squat Scott Caan — first spotted because he was wearing that hat — was sitting with his dog and a group of dudes that looked as you would expect a bunch of dudes eating with Scott Caan to look. as it goes with these kinds of things, he was shorter than expected.
Later on in the afternoon, was driving down melrose when I see a family crossing the street, complete with an olderish blonde with oversized breasts. My first thought was, "her husband must be a real d-bag." I scan the rest of the family until I see Dee Snider. I immediately feel bad for assuming he would be a d-bag [Ed. Note - Why? I think you hit the nail on the head.] and continue driving, hoping he hadn't heard my inner monologue.
· While trying to see Iron Man at Century City, I see Titan from American Gladiators, who stands about 7 feet tall (plastic coif included) and 3 feet wide.
· During another interminable wait for food at the Griddle Cafe, i see Jim Parsons from the CBS show Big Bang Theory. He had to wait for a table, just like the rest of us civilians, unlike... Jessica Alba, who walks right in and sits at a booth. Didn't see her body but her face definitely looks fuller. Still looked good. Cash Warren walked in a little later and was appropriately unassuming.
SUNDAY, MAY 4
· Dorito Girl Ali Landry at the Alcove on Hillhurst for a late lunch. With her cute Mexican director husband and adorable baby girl. She's amazingly gorgeous in person, throwing Doritos into washers or whatever it was she did in those commercials did not do her justice.
· Traci Lords at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market this morning, with a friend and adorable baby. Looked very happy and healthy. I had to suppress the urge to say hello and tell her how awesome I think she is.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
· Walked by Adam Goldberg on Little Santa Monica on Wednesday around lunch time. He was by himself waiting to cross the street. I always thought he was maybe cute but didn't get confirmation until I was standing
right next to him. He was looking cuddle worthy in a black hoody, dark jeans and cool espadrille type Vans.
· I saw Clea Duvall and Zach Quinto at Brently Heilbron's show at Tangier tonight.
THURSDAY, MAY 8
· Spotted a couple celebs in Beverly Hills on Thursday afternoon. Kathy Hilton and not surprisingly
very happy looking Stan Lee were strolling past Jack 'n Jill's. Don't worry, they were not together.
After all that hullabaloo following Liv Tyler’s missing wedding ring (and missing date) at Monday’s Costume Institute Gala, the dimpled rocker spawn has officially announced that she and husband of five years Royston Langdon "have confirmed their separation." Whether this means those divorce rumors from weeks ago will materialize or that the pair is just going on one of those godawful “breaks” that never work out (see: Swank/Lowe and Richards/Sheen) is unknown so far. But after we took a look at Liv’s previous paramours, we have a feeling Tyler will have no problem finding a worthy suitor.
Back in 1996, the then-very-cool Lemonheads frontman Evan Dando cast Liv as his girlfriend in his film Heavy. After Liv described him as "very cute" in an interview, rumors that the two were playing hanky panky naturally began. And before that, while filming Empire Records in 1995, Liv dated her insanely gorgeous co-star Johnny Whitworth. Finally, Tyler's said to have had an "encounter" with Leonardo Dicaprio in 1998, and of course, she spent three years with the irresistible Joaquin Phoenix. With a rap sheet like that, we have no doubt Liv will be flashing those famous dimples again in no time.
Stopping by the heiress-friendly zone of the Ed Sullivan Theater to plug her latest exciting venture—MTV's So You Want to Be Paris Hilton's New Top Friend or whatever—the Hottie or the Nottie star admitted she had never seen an episode of that network's massively popular realitainment, The Hills. It was a pronouncement so startling—where else do people like Hilton turn to fill the long hours between hair-extension-launch press conferences and the next SLR-hotboxing or pole-rocking opportunity?—that it instantly called to mind her blanket denial of having ever engaged in drug use of any kind during her post-incarceration Larry King Live interview. While both statements seem highly unlikely, King responded by voicing his skepticism on a later broadcast, while Letterman instead chose to hang himself in his office by Brooks Brothers necktie 30 minutes after taping. [Late Show with David Letterman]
Whatever audience for high (or even medium) wit once existed has mostly decamped for Assisted Living. There remains a small slightly doddering crowd that's up for small, well-written comedies like Helen Hunt's Then She Found Me, which is currently playing in a release that will remain forever limited to older people who are not afraid to visit the "art" houses Mass market comedy (unless Judd Apatow and his heart-healthy pals are involved) is pitched largely to a young crowd that apparently likes to see pretty people — especially upwardly striving ones like Diaz's character — humiliated and abused in ways that are stupefyingly familiar.
I'm beginning to think that these kids represent a resentment demographic, less eager to laugh than they are to exercise spite and envy at peers who want to grow up sensibly rather than throw up mindlessly in some sleazebag movie.
While we certainly wouldn't put such harsh judgment past the author, 75-year-old Time critic Richard Schickel, the headline is an obviously, gloriously ironic point of departure into the very cultural lapse he laments. Like we care: We're just thrilled to see a mainstream reviewer meet his reader halfway in these troubled critical times; if only stick-in-the-mud David Ansen has preceded a few more pans with announcements like "My Balls Act Better Than Bruce Willis," maybe at least one of these tragic decampments could have been avoided.
The following email, which was sent to me by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, arrived in my inbox sometime during the middle of last night. That is all the context you need at this point:
Grambone,
Last night I wanted to film the To Do's outside of the Celeb Center, so me and my friend rolled up around 12-something AM to stand in front of the sign and do my bit. We were there for all of two minutes maybe, just figuring out the lighting and stuff when a Scientology bike cop rolled up to us and was all "What are you doing?" and we were all "Taking a picture" and he was all "Why are you doing that?" and then we were like "'Cause of celebrities and stuff." And then he came back with "Are you guys celebrities?" and then I reality checked myself and I was all "No, but this is a popular place for them to hang out". So he was looking at us like we were insane at that point, and honestly, I wasn't exactly hitting grand slams with my lies, I was trying to play up the whole "I'm in town from Yeehaw Junction! I don't know any better!" vibe, but let's face it, I radiate "Old Pro", you know what I mean? So then he's looking at us and he just says "Well, ya know, people don't normally do that" and I was just all "Well, we didn't realize it was off limits. I apologize for worrying you" and then we walked off down the street like "Whatevskis" but he was totally on our tail the whole way down the street.
Basically, this is a long-winded way of saying two things:
1) I wound up buying male sex stimulant at 7-11 and attempted to give myself a boner.
2) If I don't come into work on Monday, it's because I'm dead. Please send someone to collect my dog and hide my pot before my mom gets here to send my mortal possessions back to Boston.
Thanks,
Molls
After that introduction, how could you NOT want to watch the video for this weekend's To Do's?
FRIDAY
·The Lost Plays of Tennessee Williams at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center.
· Freak Dance: The Forbidden Dirty Boogaloo @ UCB.
·Kids in the Hall at the Orpheum.
After only three days, the teaser trailer for Twilight — that highly anticipated franchise initially classified as the "new Harry Potter" — racked up more than two million views on the film’s MySpace page. As industry insiders have noted, the vampire flick may break the record of 4.1 million first week views set by Indy 4 earlier this year. But after viewing Twilight's trailer for ourselves, we couldn't care less about records or the fate of Indiana What's His Name. Why? The folks at Summit Entertainment managed to create excitement (and widespread teen titillation) not by appealing to HP dorks or Narnia obsessives, but rather by going the Gossip Girl route and putting together an ensemble cast comprised of barely known and ridiculously hot actors. Take a gander at what appears to be a fantastical and surprisingly romantic Tim Burton-esque world after the jump.
One reason the vampire-next-door tale might be pegged towards the "cool crowd" has to do with its female director, , whose resume includes 2003's indie cult classic Thirteen, that dark but painfully realistic Evan Rachel Wood vehicle that revealed the real inner workings of its adolescent female protagonist's depressive mind. From the looks of this trailer, Hardwicke isn't afraid of scaring the kiddies, but the might just scare their parents. All we know is how drastically our former prediction that the franchise would be just another innocuous National Treasure or worse, Golden Compass, has been happily proven wrong. And all we want to do is fly away on bad boy Robert Pattinson's back, no matter how many windows we break.
ICU Nerf-tag warrior Nick Hogan has received his sentence in a Tampa courtroom today: eight months in Florida county jail, five years' probation and 500 hours community service, plus his license revoked for three years. We hope this comes as a harsh wake-up call to all those street-racers among you: Your irresponsible actions do have consequences, like sitting around behind bars for a couple weeks until overcrowding gets you an early release, and you're forced to wait until your 21st birthday for that rematch with the guy in the suped-up Mitsubishi Eclipse with the "BRNTR8R" plates. [People]
The heartiest of Defamer congratulations go out today to the marketers behind The Dark Knight and Iron Man, whose savvy trailers have now captivated legions of inhaler-clutching fanboysand the highly discriminating eyes of those judging the Golden Trailer Awards. The films claimed the top prizes in the Action and Summer Blockbuster categories respectively at last night's ceremony at the Orpheum; other notable winners included Tropic Thunder (Comedy), No Country For Old Men (Drama), Atonement (Romance) and, in a miracle of better-late-than-never recognition, The Assassination of Jesse James took home the evening's Best Voice-Over hardware. Even the Weinsteins didn't go home empty-handed, as their teaser for Awake won the Golden Fleece prize for best false advertsing. Way to go, Harvey; we hope you can remember where you put the key to the trophy case. [Golden Trailers via Spout Blog]
In a continuing creative victory for horse-geezered men around the world, HBO has brought Alexander Payne on board as the director of its new series Hung. Picked up by the network less than a month ago, the dark comedy is about "a well-endowed man ... who was once a high school sports legend, but is now plodding along in middle age as a struggling father and high school basketball coach. His luck begins to change, however, when he figures out a way to use his best asset." Or, as we hear creators Colette Burson and Dmitry Lipkin pitched it, "Kind of like Sideways, but with a huge dick where the pinot noir goes."
Clearly that's all Payne — himself long entrenched among Hollywood's generously beschlonged elite — had to know before signing on to his first TV directing gig. The pilot is in the works as we speak, with casting announcements soon to follow; we expect no less than Payne alum Thomas Haden Church to sign on as the lead, while Zak Efron, breaking through in his first real young adult role, will play the troubled son coming to terms with his own one-eyed, pavement-scraping inheritance.
· We're not really sure how studios divvy up video game titles, deciding a Postal or Bloodrayne needs to land on the pile with flies buzzing around it marked "For Uwe," while saving a property like Bioshock for a crowd-pleasing effects wizard like Gore Verbinski, but there you have it: Verbinksi will direct Universal's big-screen adaptation. (We know, we know: It's a classic. Release it from its Microsoft shackles, so we can at least all be on the same page.) [Variety]
· Alexander Payne has been attached to direct the buzzed-about pilot Hung—featuring a well-endowed protagonist who "figures out a way to use his best asset"—for HBO. His agents are currently awaiting their package fee. Rimshot! [Variety]
· Stephen McPherson has signed a "multiyear deal" as president of ABC Entertainment. A Snookies basket, card attached reading, "Congrats on the re-up, D-girl! Love, Ben" is on its way as we speak. [Variety]
· The Gong Show is coming back, in a revival on Comedy Central set to be hosted by Dave Attell. On a personal note, this comes as thrilling news to us, as we've not yet found a wide enough platform with which to thrill millions with our "Have You Got a Nickel?" act. [Variety]
· MTV has purchased a competitive reality show from Justin Timberlake and FreemantleMedia called The Phone, which is based on a Dutch format (what is it with those Dutch and their wacky reality show ideas!) that "[plunges] the contestants into a real life Bourne Identity." We're not sure what that means, but we hope it involves having them break each other's windpipes with the spine of a paperback. [THR]
Oliver Stone's drive to get his Bush biopic W in front of audiences before Election Day acquired new momentum on Thursday — if you can believe it. And we guess we have no choice but to wait and see if the director and Lionsgate, which yesterday picked up the film's North American distribution rights, can place their prismatic presidential quasi-drama on screens by their proposed Oct. 17 release date. Oct. 17! Stone hasn't even cast Dick Cheney yet — for a film that starts shooting Monday. Not a problem, insists the filmmaker, who's still spinning on the big picture:
"We don't really know much about Mr. Bush beyond the controlled images we've been allowed to see on TV. This movie's taking a bold stab at looking behind that curtain," Stone said in a statement. "I'm real pleased that Lionsgate has the independence necessary to bring this provocative story to an American audience."
Distribution deal was made by Tom Ortenberg, Lionsgate president of theatrical films. , who said, "With W, (Stone) again demonstrates his creative vitality and genius for speaking to our times."
Hence the W rumor mill once again whirring into action, deploying hints and whispers from the Louisiana set that Stone would probably "just play the son-of-a-bitch Cheney [himself]." He hasalleged this could be his first comedy, after all, and it couldn't hurt to try on one of his films' quintessentially terrible hairpieces and take one for the team in the interest of time. Our democracy evidently depends on it.
In the mood for a downer? A South Florida NBC affiliate's website is live-broadcasting Nick Hogan's reckless driving trial. The girlfriend (almost fiancée—he was saving up for the engagement ring) of crash victim John Graziano has already tearfully read a statement describing Hogan's "stone face," revealed the meaning of his license plate CEHSP2 ("Capable of eluding high-speed pursuit,") and, most damningly, testified, "Three weeks after the accident, Nick showed his remorse...by bringing in board games, razor scooters, Nerf guns to shoot people with, and skateboards. I'm not exactly sure who rides scooters and skateboards in a...hospital's ICU unit knowing that their friend can't even breathe on his own." Join in on the fun now!
We rarely like to take a mental walk down memory lane when it comes to the Most Nauseating Celebrity Hookups of all time, but news of the latest addition has unfortunately led us to revisit the grotesque list. We’ve already seen Liza Minelli and Phantom Of The Plastic Surgery Ward David Gest exchange saliva, Star Jones give Al an awkward lap dance and guiltily pleasured ourselves by witnessing wrinkly charmer Hugh Hefner and his thin lips attach themselves to the Girls Next Door. But after reading about one beach yoga-practicing, SUV-abandoning actor known for generally annoying everyone in Hollywood, and one scratchy-voiced “punk” rock chick known for generally hating everyone in Hollywood playing tongue twister in LA this past Tuesday, we may have a winner. The canoodlers in question, and just how far they went, after the jump:
Yes, sadly but truly, none other than the Pivster and recently divorced singer Pink (whose name makes absolutely no sense anymore considering she is currently Jet Black) were reportedly seen getting "hot and heavy on the dance floor" this week, according to the NY Post. As a source put it, they were "all over each other and dancing really close," which really gives an entirely new meaning to "Hug It Out, Bitch," no?
A particularly virile, voracious flock of vultures is apparently en route to Cannes, where next week we're told they plan to pre-sell territories to a sequel to Richard Kelly's revelatory 2001 cult classic Donnie Darko. Leading the charge are the sick, sick fuckers at Velvet Octopus, a UK-based sales agency/Faustian hellhole where ideas go to be tortured, mutilated, disemboweled and beheaded in return for an advance against foreign box office.
Screen Daily notes that the horrible film S. Darko, set to start shooting May 18 at a location reeking of infernal sulphur and the dead, bloated body of God Himself, "picks up seven years after the first film (and Donnie's death) when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a roadtrip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions." Donnie Darko alum Daveigh Chase will reprise her role as the title character, while noted motherfucking hack Chris Fisher — the cloven-hoofed anti-visionary responsible for Nightstalker and Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders — will take over the directing reins, which he will then use to strangle the life out of Kelly's original story and everyone who loves it.
Between bites of Chase's soul, Velvet Octopus rep Simon Crowe told Screen Daily: ""I think there is a new generation of cinema-goers who will be very excited to see this film. ... Donnie's not in [the new film] but there are meteorites and rabbits." Chortling away, Crowe then excused himself for a custom tuxedo fitting that would allow his muscular red tail to breathe during his 10-day blood feast on the Croisette. We wish the worst of luck to him and all involved.
Pictured center in white suit and sunglasses is Playboy magazine editor-in-chief Hugh Hefner, holding court on the West Coast's cleavage-friendly response to the Texas Polygamist Wives Compound. ("It's not. A compound. It's our hutch and it's our home.") He's surrounded by several generations of Playmates, gathered to celebrate the crowning of 2008's Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole (standing, in the purple milkmaid outfit). Hailing from Scarborough, Ontario, Nicole is just the latest in an illustrious line of Canadian superstar Playmates that includes Pamela Anderson, Shannon Tweed, and the doomed Dorothy Stratten—inspiring Frankie Muniz to recently quip that there must be "something magic in the maple syrup," as he made it in the grotto with a set of twins from Sault Ste. Marie. After the ceremony, guests were invited to join Hef on the lawn, where the former Playmate on the extreme lower right—the answer to what happens when you cross Loretta Swit with Cicciolina and a pneumatic air gun—lay on her back, treating everyone in attendance to a round of impromptu bouncy castle rides.
We've already made our case for why the Wachowskis' overstuffed Gran Turismo-on-Salvia fever dream and Kutcher and Diaz's feature-length sexual-health instructional film will likely limp their way across the box office finish line this Monday. But that still leaves filmgoers with a taxing dilemma: Which of the two movies would they rather see less? Clocking in nearly neck-and-neck in their bottom-of-the-class Tomatometer scores, it's anyone's race. Perhaps mainstream film critics—and the pun-loving headline writers who really sell the bile—can help you decide:
Speed Racer
· Just a drag 'Racer' [LAT]
· Great fun, if you like watching video games [Globe and Mail (sub. req'd.)]
· 'Speed Racer' stalls at the starting line [Detroit Free Press]
· 'Speed Racer' spins by screen at nauseating, wearing pace [Salt Lake Tribune]
· 'Speed Racer': Take a Detour [WashPo]
· 'Speed Racer' limps around the track [USA Today]
· A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness [London Times Online]
What Happens in Vegas
·Insults, but no jackpot in 'Vegas' [EW]
·'What Happens in Vegas' is nothing to write home about [Kalamazoo Gazette]
· Not buying this Vegas line, or even the odd couple of losers [Union Tribune]
·There is no escape in 'Vegas' and not much comedy, either [signonsandiego.com]
·Wedded miss in new Kutcher, Diaz comedy [suntimes.com]
·Shoulda Stayed in Vegas [Winnipeg Sun]
·What happens? You don't want to know [CanWest]
·'What Happens in Vegas' feels like a losing streak [USA Today]
By donning a procession of fleshy, high-heeled escort outfits over the last few weeks, Gwyneth Paltrow managed to land herself a new job! No, it’s not a plum acting role (remember, even Gwyneth herself knows she’s “the worst actress ever”), but at least it’s a paying gig. Seems after all that prancing around in see-through dresses and S&M booties has caught the attention of reputably tame brand Tod’s, they of the classic driving shoes and boring leather bags. And just yesterday she began her first day on the new job, shown here filming a commercial in Rome, triumphantly displaying a new pair of towering heels. A closer look at the pair of stilettos that we must admit we find ourselves craving, plus how Paltrow’s Lady Of The Night wardrobe selections have affected sales at British boutiques, after the jump.
We've got to give credit where it's due: in a matter of weeks, Paltrow has managed to make a lot of people (temporarily?) forget about her days as boring, macrobiotics-obsessed bad baby-namer, confirming our suspicions that she's one sly dame. And even though Sienna Miller's career didn't exactly skyrocket following her fierce spreads in last year's Tod's campaign, from the looks of Gwyneth's "advert" above, the brand is banking on more than simple ads in glossy bibles. The other plus to Gwyneth's decision to sell out? According to the Daily Mail, UK department store Selfridge's has witnessed a 35% increase in high-heel totterers, while highbrow Harvey Nichols has seen sales of four-inch plus heels grow by 7%. And here comes the author's confession: just last week, after writing post after post about Paltrow's new fierceness, we fell victim to a pair of four-inchers ourselves. Bravo, Gwyneth. Not only have you improved Britain's economy, you've emptied our bank account. That's power.
The eulogies are on following Thursday's twin killing of Picturehouse and Warner Independent Pictures by the executioners at Warner Bros. — or perhaps more accurately, by hooded, high-ranking Time Warner axeman Jeff Bewkes, to whom some today are attributing the death penalty that ended in nearly 75 lost jobs between the two mini-majors. While we still suspect that WIP's demise in cosmically linked to its acquisition of the poisonously atrocious Alan Ball film Towelhead (another blogger disagrees, citing Funny Games instead), at least a few other observers have more official diagnoses from the murder scene.
For starters, outgoing Picturehouse president Bob Berney told Variety that Warners' abdication of the art house is purely philosophical:
"Their decision was not to be in this business," he said. "It's not a reflection on me or Picturehouse. It's not their world."
Berney has no specific plans for a new job. "A lot of people want to do something — companies, investors. I am confident at the end of the day I will find something, but it needs to be a place that fits," he said. Berney added that he and several others from Picturehouse will be in Cannes as scheduled. WIP is sending a smaller contingent than originally planned.
This jibes with more of our suspicions from last week — that Berney wouldn't have shared control of a subsidiary shingle with WIP boss Polly Cohen (or anyone else for that matter) and he'd be on his own by next week's Cannes launch. Meanwhile, David Poland's got some of the best perspective on the matter so far, illustrating just what it takes for a "dependent" to succeed before later issuing a sober reality check to a mourning industry:
[A]m I genuinely sad for the good people of these two companies? Yes. Will I make some phone calls for a few of them when they write, looking for new jobs? Yes. But is losing two companies that put out less than 10 films a year and grossed less than $50 million a year total each on average, even with the financial backing - however lame - of major studios? Not a tragedy... just a reasonable business choice from businessmen who were not terribly smart or reasonable when they launched these divisions in the first place.
In other words: We may mourn, but the numbers don't. That's entertainment.
A forlorn Mary Kate Olsen was seen entering a Century City parking lot and no, she wasn't upset because of how much she was going to have pay for parking. Olsen was more upset that she was photographed wearing what most would consider a rather normal outfit. Olsen asked if the photographer could come back in twenty minutes or so and she'll be wearing something wackier than what Bjork wore to the Oscars that one year. Yet the photographer persisted with his picture taking and explained that this is worth more money. Olsen sighed, then asked, "How do you know that I'm Mary Kate? Maybe, I'm the sane one. Ashley?" The photographer shrugged his shoulders and said, "Same difference."
Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your weekly source of tips, hints and handicapping for the latest in moviegoing. Today we catch up with projections for the not-so-mystifyingly buzz-less Speed Racer, gauge Iron Man's potential for a second straight week at No. 1, survey the landscape for our favorite underdog on the scene (hint: She shoots a mean game of pool), and browse the DVD stacks for noteworthy new titles. As always, our opinions are our own, but they're also right — Wachowskis be damned.
WHAT'S NEW: Whereas last week the only question we faced was the degree of the Iron Man beating awaiting Patrick Dempsey and Made of Honor, today we're starting a pool to see how close (or how far) Marvel's $100 million hero will keep Speed Racer before pulling away in the Sunday home stretch. Most observers expect Iron Man's take to drop as much as 50% this weekend, but like last Friday, we think lingering word-of-mouth and irresistible talent will keep the film well in excess of expectations — as in $65 million to Speed Racer's $40 million. We'll get to the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle What Happens in Vegas in a second, but more painlessly for now, here are some of the other new titles bottlenecking theaters: Music video maven Tarsem's sumptuous (and apparently boring) labor of love The Fall; the John Leguizamo / teenagers-fucking satire The Babysitters; the espionage spoof OSS 117: Nest of Spies; and the canny Paskowitz family documentary Surfwise.
THE BIG LOSER: We've heard it said that What Happens in Vegas is Fox's idea of counterprogramming to Speed Racer, but what do you really call it when the weekend's biggest new release itself amounts to second fiddle overall? History will decide, but we think $20 million estimates are far too generous for the Kutcher/Diaz miscarriage. Try closer to $16 million and, as the gift that keeps on giving, a pan for the ages from Manohla Dargis: "[B]ecause its director, Tom Vaughan, brings nothing of interest to the movie, including filmmaking, there isn't anything to say other than to note its insulting ugliness and ineptitude. ... It's disheartening that Ms. Diaz doesn't seem to realize that there's no upside to a role that strips away her dignity even as it peels off her clothes, especially when she's playing the shrew." Now that's love we can all take to the bank.
THE UNDERDOG: A terrific Famke Janssen skips the glam in Turn the River, the writing-directing debut of actor Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Kicking And Screaming). As a single-mother gambler and pool shark planning to steal her young son away to Canada — but only after hustling her way to $50,000 — Janssen digs into River with both leading-lady aplomb and a wounded integrity most of her male contemporaries usually try to approximate through overwrought brooding. Co-star Rip Torn is good for a few ironic flourishes that redeem the late melodrama, all of which are outdone by Janssen's real pool-shooting exploits. We wouldn't bet against her — at least not this weekend.
FOR SHUT-INS: You can have your I'm Not There DVD's, your P.S. I Love Yous, your vagina dentata comedy Teeth, your fourth season of The 4400 and all that other bullshit. But there is really only one new title worth welcoming into the guilty sanctuary of your own home: The Hottie and the Nottie. Miraculously neither watchable nor as bad as it's made out to be, judge for yourself the blight of Paris Hilton vanity on this week's release calendar.
So are you down for or down on Speed Racer? Will What Happens In Vegas stay, ahem, in Vegas? Will newfound billiards talent Famke Janssen kick your ass for an easy 50 grand? Go all in and let us know where your money's riding this weekend.
· Let's play "What If?" What if...Javier Bardem went a different way with Anton Chigurh, and chose to go the Felicity Huffman-in-Transamerica route? Click play to find out! [Fourth Grade Gladiators]
· Corey Haim is back! And he looks like a lesbian dogwalker. [TMZ]
· Here's the first seven minutes of Speed Racer. As Idolator Maura put it, "Watching this is like watching them set a giant pile of money on fire in slow motion." To which we add: But the flames and sparks are so colorful! [movies.yahoo.com]
· Yeah, we're with Nick Malis: We plan on staying home, and hitting Rainbow Road instead. [Malis In Wonderland]
· After a few hits from the corpse bong! [chron.com]
· And then we're hitting this: [ThingsIDidLastNight.com]
Semi-rehabilitated celebrity minknapper Lindsay Lohan was all set to star in charmingly titled anti-romantic comedy The Manson Girls, the second installment of her Great Homicidal Psychopaths of Modern History Trilogy that began with Chapter 27 and was to conclude with her harrowing performance as the Austrian incest dungeon victim in The Basement, a Starz Original Film. But as Deadline Hollywood Daily now reports, Lohan has been let go from the production:
Lindsay in the true life crime film was to play the dramatic part of Nancy Pitman, a pampered surfer girl who became enthralled with Charlie Manson. But insiders explain that Lohan quickly became more of a deficit than an asset when they discovered that they couldn't find any name actresses who wanted to co-star with her.
(And even some name actors...) So now Lindsay is off the pic. Let this be a lesson... Behaving badly may get you on the covers of celebrity-obsessed mags and tabloids. But Hollywood won't tolerate your shit and shouldn't.
What Lohan's starlet non grata status means for her other current projects is still too soon to say. Certainly, everything seemed to be hunky dory on the set of Ugly Betty, which saw the actress returning to vintage, Mean Girls-era Lohan for a schoolyard bullying sequence which may or may not involve beating up Christian Siriano. As for Ye Olde Times, a Jack Black comedy set in a Medieval Times-style restaurant, we have yet to hear anything about producers having second thoughts about their choice to put the troubled actress in the small but pivotal role of Busty Serving Wench #2, a good sign that at least some in Hollywood are still fully prepared to tolerate Lindsay's shit.
There is no point fighting it anymore. Vh1 will continue to produce shows featuring has-been stars from our youth and, like moths to the TV screen, we'll watch them cry, urinate on themselves and make out in hot tubs until the end of time. Their newest idea will feature (shocker!) Vh1 reality vet Scott Baio mentoring eight “male teen idols” of the 80s in an effort to jump-start a comeback. Since the sad little group has yet to be revealed, we went ahead and picked two former crushworthy picks we’d most like to see week after week, and the two who might force us to cancel our cable package altogether:
Squeal-Worthy: Kirk Cameron: Yes, he's some kind of born-again family man whose intense dedication to JC scares us more than a little, but with former womanizer Scott at the helm, we think he could convert back to ladies' man after seeing a stripper for the first time in ten (fifteen? twenty?) years. Fred Savage: We will never, ever get over our crush on Kevin from The Wonder Years. We don't care what he's turned into, but those dimples will always make us weak in the knees.
Do Not Want: George Michael: While it might be interesting to mix in an openly gay star into the mix of what's sure to be a heterofest, the last thing anyone needs is to see is George and Scott Baio in a painful re-enactment of the former's bathroom misadventures. Ricky Schroeder: Kid is doing just fine. With guest spots on 24 and Scrubs under his belt, we don't think he's as desperate as the rest. Plus he already came back on NYPD Blue and had his chance. Aside from all that, he never quite made our heart "throb" in the first place.
When we launched the shiny new To Do's on Monday, we promised you intrigue, excitement and the occasional intoxicatingly adventurous location shoot. Well, Molly McAleer sure delivered on the last point today, as she and a friend deliver this evening's event listings straight to you from the cereal aisle at the Ralph's on Wilshire and Western (which, btw, has apparently been overrun by "hot hipster boys"). As always, the listings are available in the oh-so-handy written word form after the jump.
· Mother F****r! tonight at UCB.
· Tapes n' Tapes at The Troubadour.
· Camp Freddy will be at The Roxy.
· And who could forget that it's Experimental Video Night at the Echo Park Film Center? Not us, that's for sure!
· Iron Man 
You know what sounds good right about now? No, besides a few glasses of Glenmorangie. Yep, that's right, a mouthwatering Dirt Sandwich. Defamer's resident Sandwich Artist, 
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week (depending on volume), so send them in early and often—without them, we'll surely be forced to endure another Pellicano trial! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Jessica Alba cut in the breakfast line at the Griddle Cafe. 
After all that hullabaloo following Liv Tyler’s 
Stopping by the 
Just when we thought we had seen the 
The following email, which was sent to me by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ 
After only three days, the teaser trailer for Twilight — that highly anticipated franchise initially classified as 
The heartiest of Defamer congratulations go out today to the marketers behind The Dark Knight and Iron Man, whose savvy trailers have now captivated 
In a continuing creative victory for horse-geezered men around the world, HBO has 
· We're not really sure how studios divvy up video game titles, deciding a Postal or Bloodrayne needs to land on the pile with flies buzzing around it marked "For Uwe," while saving a property like Bioshock for a crowd-pleasing effects wizard like Gore Verbinski, but there you have it: Verbinksi will direct Universal's big-screen adaptation. (We know, we know: It's a classic. Release it from its Microsoft shackles, so we can at least all be on the same page.) [
Oliver Stone's drive to get his Bush biopic W in front of audiences before Election Day acquired new momentum on Thursday — if you can believe it. And we guess we have no choice but to wait and see if the director and Lionsgate, which yesterday 
In the mood for a downer? A South Florida NBC affiliate's website is live-broadcasting Nick Hogan's reckless driving trial. The girlfriend (almost fiancée—he was saving up for the engagement ring) of crash victim John Graziano has already tearfully read a statement describing Hogan's "stone face," revealed the meaning of his license plate CEHSP2 ("Capable of eluding high-speed pursuit,") and, most damningly, testified, "Three weeks after the accident, Nick showed his remorse...by bringing in board games, razor scooters, Nerf guns to shoot people with, and skateboards. I'm not exactly sure who rides scooters and skateboards in a...hospital's ICU unit knowing that their friend can't even breathe on his own." Join in on the fun 
A particularly 
Pictured center in white suit and sunglasses is Playboy magazine editor-in-chief Hugh Hefner, holding court on the West Coast's cleavage-friendly response to the Texas Polygamist Wives Compound. (
We've already 
The eulogies are on following Thursday's 
THE UNDERDOG: A terrific Famke Janssen skips the glam in Turn the River, the writing-directing debut of actor Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Kicking And Screaming). As a single-mother gambler and pool shark planning to steal her young son away to Canada — but only after hustling her way to $50,000 — Janssen digs into River with both leading-lady aplomb and a wounded integrity most of her male contemporaries usually try to approximate through overwrought brooding. Co-star Rip Torn is good for a few ironic flourishes that redeem the late melodrama, all of which are outdone by Janssen's real pool-shooting exploits. We wouldn't bet against her — at least not this weekend.
· Let's play "What If?" What if...Javier Bardem went a different way with Anton Chigurh, and chose to go the Felicity Huffman-in-Transamerica route? Click play to find out! [
When we launched the shiny new To Do's on Monday, we promised you intrigue, excitement and the occasional intoxicatingly adventurous location shoot. Well, Molly McAleer sure delivered on the last point today, as she and a friend deliver this evening's event listings straight to you from the cereal aisle at the Ralph's on Wilshire and Western (which, btw, has apparently been overrun by "hot hipster boys"). As always, the listings are available in the oh-so-handy written word form after the jump.
